Top tips
F1 AUTHORITIES. Looking for new ideas to thwart Lewis Hamilton's bid to become World Champion next year? Simply introduce a rule saying that black drivers must start from the back row of the grid. And leave their handbrake on.
Colin Fibreboard, Peterborough
FEEL A BIT like God for the day by making some little people out of plasticine, and then judging them harshly.
Hector Plywood, Devizes
MORRISSEY. Stop chirping on about the USA and capitalism in your songs when a) you live over there and b) you go on chat shows just to promote your new album you fucking charlatan.
The Jones Boy, Chesterfield
