var toptips = [
				'4X4 DRIVERS. Use your bull bars as a handy mobile railing on which you can tie flowers in memory of the people you run down.','M Trouserman, Birmingham',
'A BEER mat cut diagonally in half and fastened together with lengths of string makes an ideal bra for Tara Palmer-Tompkinson.','Rob Jackson, Tinshill',
'A CIGARETTE butt placed beneath a Band-Aid makes a cheap nicotine patch.','Scott & Stu, e-mail',
'A GLASS mixing bowl turned upside down over a saucer of water in the garden makes an ideal Centre parks for ants.','Mike e-mail',
'A GUINEA pig makes an ideal paint roller for your next home make over. Use a mouse for areas that need finer detail.','Ian Vince, Falmouth',
'A MALT loaf is just the right size and colour to sculpt a convincing pair of decent-sized human turds. Don\'t forget to taper one end.','Matt Webb, e-mail',
'A MIXTURE of sour cream and mashed-up blackberries makes excellent imitation bird shit to apply to your neighbour\'s car after he\'s washed it.','Woody, Walsall',
'A PAIR of fox terriers, one strapped to each foot make ideal \'organic\' rollerskates.','Justin Deegan Victoria, Australia',
'A POST-IT note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal deterrent to lip-readers.','Bryn Littleton, Chester-le-Street',
'A SERIES of copycat farts following someone else\'s admisssion of guilt can compound the misery of the perpetrator, whilst simultaneously giving your bowels the clean out you\'ve always dreamed of.','Dave Smith, Hartlepool',
'A SERIES of quiet burps in your sleeping wife\'s ear will ensure she has pleasant dreams about burps. Similar results can be achieved with farts.','Kelly, Ulsan',
'A SHREDDED Wheat on a stick makes a great back scrubber for the first couple of seconds of your bath.','Hapag Lloyd, Runcorn',
'A SIMPLE check that your wife has not accidentally left Flash Toilet Wipes on top of the cistern instead of the usual Andrex moist bum wipes will avoid cross words and marital discord.','Paul Berriman, e-mail',
'A USED condom filled with water and left on a radiator makes an ideal and inexpensive lava lamp.','T. Hogan, e-mail',
'ABSENT minded people. Don\'t waste money on post-it notes. Simply find an elephant that lives locally and tell them whatever it is you need remembering.','C Martin, e-mail',
'ACTORS. Improve your chances of landing a role in a Tim Burton film by being Helena Bonham-Carter.','Ted Bartlett, e-mail',
'AFTER a hard night\'s drinking, eat two heaped spoonfuls of Bisto granules before going to bed and \'stir\' by gyrating your waist. The following morning\'s inevitable bum gravy will be nicely thickened.','Andrew McGuigan, Stanley',
'AIR FRANCE. Avoid paying compensation to passengers whose bags you have lost by simply not replying to any of their letters or e-mails. Chances are it won\'t be worth their while pursuing you through the courts.','T Bradbury, Winchester',
'AIR guitar players. Become Air-Ukulele players by shortening the distance between your hands. For that added Formby feeling, substitute head moshing with a cheeky smile and the occasional wink.','Matt Douse, Beverley',
'AIRLINE pilots. Encourage your passengers to \'get up and move about a bit\' while doing 500mph, 30,000 feet above an ocean, but indignantly insist they \'remain seated with their seatbelts fastened\' as you dawdle the three miles across the tarmac to the arrival gate at 5mph.','Chris Ash, e-mail',
'ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.','John Hills, Norwich',
'ALCOHOLICS. Don\'t worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.','Ed Freeman, e-mail',
'ALCOHOLICS. Instead of hiding cans of cider from your wife in the laundry basket, or using Chlorets to disguise the smell of vomit from your boss, use your deviousness and intellect for greater financial reward by becoming a criminal mastermind like Lex Luther or Ernst Blofeld.','Dave Storey, e-mail',
'ALCOHOLICS. The foil bag from inside a wine box makes an excellent pillow to go to sleep on and provides a handy source for your \'Hair of the Dog\' on waking.','Ben Cormack, Castle Douglass',
'AMATEUR astronomers. Avoid total blindness by viewing the sun through a telescope rather than binoculars.','Simon Hollingworth, Norwich',
'AMERICAN High School teachers. Increase your efficiency by announcing which chapters to read from the textbook for next class some time before that fucking annoying bell rings.','Justin Deegan, e-mail',
'AMERICAN locomotive drivers. When confronted with a car obstructing a rail crossing, the brake pedal is the one that slows the train down, not the one that sounds the fucking horn.','Jim Gearbox, Lamesville',
'AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks.','Craig Meredith, e-mail',
'AMERICANS. Save valuable time by not appending the words \'God Bless America\' to your every fucking sentence.','John Terry, Newcastle upon Tyne',
'AMERICANS. Win the hearts and minds of foreign peoples by acting like every idiosyncracy of their culture is hilarious, like it\'s a show put on for your benefit.','Ngitibulu Ng, e-mail',
'AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your \'friendly fire\' tactics, the war should be over in days.','Gaz, e-mail',
'AN ODOUR-EATER in a jock-strap makes a handy gas mask to protect yourself in the event of a terrorist chemical or biological attack.','R. Charles, London',
'ANARCHISTS. When smashing the state, take care not to burn down your dole office.','Charles Palmer, e-mail',
'ANNOY and frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying “Big Mac Meal, please.”','Richard Karslake, Oxon',
'ASTHMATICS. Avoid going on holiday to places where the scenery is described as breathtaking.','J. Cloth, Bedside Manor',
'ATTENTION shandy drinkers. I\'ve found that mixing Kaliber and Hooch makes a fantastic \'reverse shandy\'.','Big Heed, Maidenhead',
'AUSTRALIA\'S Channel 9 cricket commentators. Pretend you are providing the unbiased reportage that you are employed to do by keeping the whoops, cheers and clapping to a minimum when Australia hit a six or take a wicket.','Mark Roberts, Adelaide',
'AVOID dogs molesting your leg under the dinner table by coating your trousers below the knee with Ralgex or Fiery Jack.','Neil Fortune, e-mail',
'AVOID the constant price increases in milk by buying all you will need for the rest of the year in January.','Iain Finlayson, e-mail',
'B&Q. Why not replace the ten permanently unmanned checkouts in your stores with more sales shelving, giving your customers a wider range of products they can queue up for half an hour to pay for.','J Talia, North wales',
'BACHELORS. Have silicone breast implants put in your penis so you can give yourself a tit-fuck.','J. Rigby, Chorley',
'BAKERS and coffee shop owners. Encourage your customers to buy by having the smell of a newly built house in your establishment.','D. Hull, Hull',
'BAKERS. Avoid confusion and imprisonment when carrying desserts through airport customs by referring to Almond and Mocha bombs as Almond and Mocha upside-down cakes.','M Kipling, Guantanamo Bay',
'BANANA lovers. Buy your bananas in bunches of 5 on Sunday. Then arrange them in order of ripeness and write a day of the week on each banana in felt pen, Monday on the ripest, Friday on the greenest, to save time making those decisions on a hectic weekday morning.','Mrs Facebook, Bakewell',
'BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.','Nigel Austin, e-mail',
'BANGKOK holiday makers. Avoid confusion and potential embarrassment by never banging a woman with a hairier arse than yourself.','Mark Bruce, e-mail',
'BANKS. Offer people loans when they have plenty of money, and refuse them any help when they haven\'t got a pot to piss in. And waste millions on expensive headed paper.','David Jones, e-mail',
'BARE patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Sir Bobby Charlton and TV\'s Robert Robinson do, to create a realistic look of healthy growth.','Tycho Andrews, Fulham',
'BARGAIN sofa hunters. If you missed the DFS December Sale, Double Discount Boxing Day Sale, January Clearance Sale and the February End of Winter Sale, don\'t worry - the Spring Sale starts in March.','Hanks Martin, Somewhere',
'BARMAIDS. Pour all my mates\' lagers first, and THEN my Guinness, to ensure half my night is spent at the fucking bar.','Stu Holt, South Shields',
'BASEBALL cap manufacturers. Save the wearer the bother of turning your caps round by putting the peak on the other side.','John Davies, Carlisle',
'BBC Economics correspondents. Plot a graph of the monthly change in average house prices as opposed to the prices themselves. That way, you will get an alarming and headline-grabbing \'downward line\' when house prices are still going up.','Torbjorn Earpiece, Luton',
'BBC schedulers. Ensure nobody watches Malcolm in the Middle by starting every new series just before a popular sports tournament. And when Wimbledon and the Olympics are over, make sure the time you broadcast the programme is never the same as that listed in TV magazines.','Lindsay Wheatcroft, Mansfield',
'BBC sport newsreaders. Save time by not reporting on the progress of Andy Murray in tennis tournaments. I have yet to meet any member of the public who likes the miserable sod. ','M Plywood, Hull',
'BEE keepers. Avoid getting stung by bees by buying honey in a healthfood shop and getting stung there instead.','Gary D, e-mail',
'BEFORE brushing your teeth, eat something sweet, such as a piece of chocolate. That way you can be sure of getting good value for the toothpaste that you use.','John Twomey, Kilburn',
'BELL RINGERS. Don\'t waste time raising money to save your church bells. Get the same teeth-grating effect by simply dropping different lengths of scaffolding pipe off the roof of the church at 8 o\'clock every Sunday morning.','Mark Smith, Wantage',
'BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you.','Terry Wilson, Wallasey',
'BIG Brother winners. After having every fart, shit and piss broadcast to the nation, keep what little dignity you have left by not releasing a piss-poor single at Christmas.','Treeve Menear, Penzance',
'BIG ISSUE venders. Have blonde hair and big tits. That way you\'ll sell more copies.','G. Rice, Liverpool',
'BIKERS. Remember to give two or three blips of your throttle, when stopping at the pub. This will remind patrons on the patio that you master a beast, likely to burst into life at any moment, of its own volition.','Chrispy, e-mail',
'Bird Flu could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.','Graham Flintoff, Gateshead',
'BIRD lovers. Save money on wild bird food this winter by fitting a bird feeder to the inside of your window. You only need to fill it once, but you will enjoy watching the birds at your window every day!','Lee Nelson, Stockton-on-Tees',
'BIRDWATCHERS. Save hours sitting around waiting to see which species land on your birdtable. Simply mix the food with rat poison and hey presto - dozens of birds laying around the foot of the table for you to inspect and tick off in your book at leisure.','Stot & Naylor, Scunthorpe',
'BLIND people. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.','James Smyth, Hitchin',
'BMW drivers. When approaching a traffic jam on a motorway, feel free to do a last minute swerve into the lane I\'m in, halving the braking distance I was allowing myself and putting the horses I was transporting on their fucking knees.','Nick, Dorset',
'BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell he to take the egg out the pan.','James Bell, e-mail',
'BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.','Robert Healey, e-mail',
'BONO. Take the piss by spending thousands of pounds on pink tinted sunglasses then ask the working class to give to charity.','Ryan P, e-mail',
'BOOKIES. Increase your profits by not giving customers \'clues\' in the form of odds as to which horse will win a race','Den Haag, Holland',
'BOOKSHOP owners. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the \'Fiction\' section of your shop where, joking aside, it actually belongs.','T Rumpole, Bailey',
'BOY racers. Give your car that lowered suspension, ground-hugging racing look by driving around with 12 paving slabs in the boot and a bag of builders\' sand under each front seat.','James Augustini, Leicester',
'BOYS. Two pieces of used chewing gum stuck together make an ideal brain when lobotomising your action man.','Jeremy Rubbish, e-mail',
'BRALESS feminists. Support your sagging breasts by pretending you have a broken arm and wearing a sling. Simply shorten the sling until your tits reach a socially acceptable level.','S. Ballard, e-mail',
'BRAZILIANS. Set your watches two hours fast. That way you might arrive wherever you are going on time for once.','C Penge, e-mail',
'BREAD knives can also be used to cut cheese.','Benjamin Gardner, e-mail',
'BREAKFAST LOVERS. Make the \'toast always lands butter side down\' myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees.','LJB, e-mail',
'BRITISH Airways. Next time you run out of breakfasts mid-way through serving a Montreal to Heathrow flight, why not just admit it, instead of mumbling stuff about “we\'re just waiting to find something” before serving half the plane three dry bread rolls and a fucking bar of chocolate?','A Rugby, Newcastle',
'BRITISH army. Ensure confusion amongst your troops by charging them 30p for a bottle of Becks in Hohne Garrison, Germany, then make them sit through a 30 minute lecture on the dangers of alcohol the day after a heavy session.','Rye, e-mail',
'BRITISH comics. Send all your unsold copies of last month\'s issue to Australia, and call them the \'latest issue\'. No one will notice, Christmas is in the middle of February over here.','Texas Pete, Sydney, NSW',
'BT. When customers e-mail you to complain that you haven\'t activated the call answering system that they ordered, e-mail them back saying that you phoned them to discuss the problem but couldn\'t leave a message.','David Orton, e-mail',
'BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90°, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.','P Frampton, Chichester',
'BUS DRIVERS. If you see an attractive woman with a low cut top at the bus stop, accelerate and come to a halt 50 feet past the stop. You will then have a great view in your nearside mirror as she runs towards you. Finally, accidentally drop her change for a second look.','A. Driver, Bolton',
'BUS drivers. Increase the number of people who believe you when you cite traffic as an excuse for your late arrival by not stopping halfway through a route to exchange a racist joke with a passing colleague.','Dan B, e-mail',
'BUS drivers. Let everyone see how pig ugly your dog of a girlfriend is by letting her stand next to whilst you are driving, as if she owns the bus.','Mark Harris, Smegmaville',
'BUSINESSMEN. Fill those awkward silences in the lift by telling people made-up stories about your adventures as a sailor.','C Martin, e-mail',
'BUSY executives. Don\'t buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.','R Bowen, e-mail',
'BUSY mums. Save time making sandwiches by getting your son or daughter to stand on the worktop wearing an ice skate and step onto the middle of each sandwich.','David Worth, e-mail',
'BUYING chain or wire at B&Q? Cut off the length you want and abandon it elsewhere in the store. Next day, buy it from the reduced bucket for half price.','Edd Hillman, e-mail',
'BY GRABBING hold of a charity letter and twisting it sideways, it is possible to remove the free pen without opening it and subjecting yourself to all that guilt.','Phil Hunt, Stroud',
'CAN\'T afford to see your favourite band in concert? Simply go and see a tribute band whilst wearing a beekeeper\'s hat. Peering through the thick mesh it will be impossible to tell you are not watching the real thing.','Emma and Ali, London',
'CAN\'T remember the artist or title of a song stuck in your head? Simply record and release the song and wait to be sued for breach of copyright. The information you need will be on the writ.','Simon Sandall, Brisbane',
'CAR owners. Dissuade humorous neighbours from saying \'you can do mine next!\' when you\'re cleaning your car by keeping a hammer in your pocket and starting to batter your windscreen when you see them approaching.','Geoff Owens, e-mail',
'CAR thieves. Don\'t be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.','Tim, e-mail',
'CASH strapped police forces. The average police woman\'s uniform costs around  £250. But Ann Summers\' shops do a wipe-clean one for under twenty. So save money and improve public relations in one stroke.','W. Walker, e-mail',
'CASUALTY DOCTORS. Put the fear of God into any naive male students who have managed to snap their banjo string by whipping out a scalpel and jokily telling them \'Sorry sonny, but the whole thing\'s got to come off.\'','RA Urmston, Durham',
'CELEBRATE the birthday of a friend or relative by making your own Happy Birthday banner and strapping it to a roundabout. Motorists are always grateful to be informed of the age of someone they have never met.','Benji, e-mail',
'CHEFS on Ready, Steady, Cook. Impress the audience by looking away when quickly chopping small vegetables. For added entertainment, set fire to a frying pan every now and then.','Grant Warner, New Malden',
'CHERYL from London. Stop your husband from shagging the readhead down the Coach and Horses by occasionally sucking his dick, you frigid cow.','T. Moss, London',
'CHINESE citizens. Improve chopstick performance by simply carving one into three points and fashioning a serrated edge on the other. Hey presto! No more chopstick based faux pas!','POB, e-mail',
'CINEMA builders. Don\'t bother installing a front row of seats, nobody ever uses them. Simply start with the second row.','Dave Stuttard, Warrington',
'CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.','Paul Collins, e-mail',
'CITY LINK Couriers. maintain good relations with your account holders by assuring them that their next urgent package sent from Leeds to York doesn\'t end up in France.','Lee Marks, e-mail',
'CITY Link couriers. The address on the side of the carton holds many gems of information, for example, the name of the town as well as the street. because, believe it or not, there is more than one Royal Avenue in the country.','Adrian, e-mail',
'CITY Link Couriers. When delivering parcels to an address you are unfamiliar with, why not check on your GPS system. This will save you the hassle of telling your boss you tried to deliver it but there was nobody in. It would also save the poor sod who had waited in all day from taking another day off work.','Justin Credible, e-mail',
'CITY Link. Tell your customers that when the driver ticks “We\'ll try again the next day”, he actually meant to tick the “Come and pick your package up from the depot” box. When your customer points out that the driver gave a specific time for the delivery, claim that your local branch “No longer re-delivers the next day for H-grade packages”, whilst scribbling an \'H\' on the package with a permanent marker when you think he can\'t see.','Gary, Eltham',
'CLIMATE change activists. Feel less guilty about travelling by plane by breathing more shallowly whilst on holiday.','The Beed, Dudley',
'COMMUTERS. Give away the sad fact that your life consists of nothing but grinding routine by standing in the exact spot on the platform where the train doors will be when the service arrives.','Christina Martin, e-mail',
'COMMUTERS. Make the bus come quicker by standing by the corner looking for it coming down the road, then running back to the bus stop.','John Altree, Hounslow',
'COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.','Micky the Lips, e-mail',
'COMMUTERS. Why pay 20p for the use of the toilet at Waterloo when the code to use the bogs in the station\'s Reef Bar is 1009?','Daniel Morrison, e-mail',
'COMPETITION fans. Ensure sucess in postal competitions by moistening the envelopes with your helmet oil. This will, upon opening, cause the release of male pheromones which will subconsciously drive the gorgeous admin assistant to pick your entry \'entirely at random\'.','Michael Ringbodger, e-mail',
'CONSTIPATED driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner.','Stanley Etherington, e-mail',
'CONSTIPATION sufferers. Get your GP to prescribe antidepressants, as they loosen you up like nobody\'s business. Though how being stuck on the toilet all day dribbling yellow treacle out of my arse is meant to cheer me up I have no idea.','S Monkey, e-mail',
'CONTACT lens wearers. Keep your eyes snug and warm this winter by adding a few drops of chilli sauce to your cleaning solution.','Garry Kidwell, Stoke',
'CONTESTANTS on Bullseye. Give your address as the Moon, that way, if you lose, your \'bus fare home\' will amount to several million pounds.','Steve Chiltern, e-mail',
'CONTESTANTS on Wife Swap. Try not to be so surprised at how different the other family is. That is, and always has been, the format of the show.','Martin Christiansen, e-mail',
'CONVICTS. Avoid unwanted shower room intimacy by choosing instead to take a bath.','Nick Varley, e-mail',
'CONVINCE bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.','Gordano, e-mail',
'CONVINCE neighbours that you own an old fashioned typewriter by wearing metal thimbles and drumming your fingers on a plastic tray. Every ten seconds ting a wine glass with a pencil and run a butter knife along the teeth of a comb before continuing drumming your fingers.','E Tring, Luton',
'CONVINCE other motorists that you have air conditioning in your car by driving around on a hot day with all your windows closed and wearing a thick ski jacket.','David Green, e-mail',
'CONVINCE your friends that you play the trombone by standing behind a screen and farting into a watering can.','Peter Hall, e-mail',
'CONVINCE your nan that she\'s going senile by moving the bookmark in her Barbara Cartland novel 10 pages forward while she\'s not looking.','Adam Riley, Easington',
'CONVINCE your neighbours that evolution is working backwards by not shaving for a week, walking to your car gradually more stooped each morning and wearing a monkey costume on the Friday.','Baruch Soloman, e-mail',
'CONVINCE your wife that she\'s \'followed through\' during the night by slipping a chocolate button between the cheeks of her arse as she sleeps.','Ray Devereaux, Bodmin',
'CORDLESS phones make ideal mobile phones for agrophobics.','Eric, Morecambe',
'COUCH potatoes. When eating Pringles, conserve energy by removing them from the tube two at a time but only taking half a bite. Hey Pesto! You are eating the same amount of Pringles for only half of the arm movements.','Wooly, Seaham',
'COUNCIL highway departments. Save money erecting warning signs on dangerous bends. Simply sellotape a bunch of flowers to a nearby lamp post instead.','Adrian Webster, Macclesfield',
'COUNCILLORS. Next time you and your \'personal assistant\' travel to somewhere sunny abroad on a factfinding tour why not pack some holiday clothes? You won\'t be inspecting civic amenities all the time, so you may as well take the opportunity to enjoy yourselves. After all, you are giving up your spare time in the service of the public.','Tony Pease, e-mail',
'CRAIG David. Avoid having dog shit smeared all over the bonnet of your Porsche 911 in the Royal Well car park by not saying “My minders will fucking muller you if you bump into me again” to drinkers in Time Nightclub, Cheltenham.','Brown Hands, Cheltenham',
'CYCLISTS. Avoid getting a sore arse by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.','Chris Pearson, Southampton',
'DADS. Force your son to play football only using his left foot by cutting the front off his right boot. In a few years time, when he\'s England\'s only left footed player, you can become his agent and retire.','G Coad, e-mail',
'DAILY Mail editors. Confuse your readers by claiming that asylum seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles.','Tommy Dungmonger, e-mail',
'DAILY Mail editors. Underline important words in your headlines just to make sure that your readers are clear about what it is you want them to think.','H Barrow, Tooting',
'DAVINA McCall. Disguise your lack of TV presenting ability by gurning excessively at any nearby camera. Nobody will notice a thing.','Podge, e-mail',
'DAYTIME TV viewers. Want to win those phone-in prizes? Follow this easy guide to answering multiple choice questions: (a) is the answer, (b) rhymes with the answer and (c) is in no way the answer.','Christina Martin, e-mail',
'DEAD hedgehogs make ideal teddy bears for young bed of nails enthusiasts.','Mrs J Tart, Eccles ',
'DEAF people. Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.','Ian Knott, Working',
'DEAL or No Deal producers: Save money on packaging by using simple envelopes to reveal the cash amounts, rather than using a whole box of which only the underside of the lid is used. ','Lee Howse, Catford',
'DEATH ROW prisoners. Increase your life span by a few days by having your last meal delivered from Pizza Hut.','Grant B Warner, New Malden',
'DEFY the government at the start of British Summer Time by refusing to put your clocks forward at 2.00 in the morning. \'Save\' the hour for later in the day. You still get your lie-in and you can fast forward your day when it suits you, like when there is nothing on telly.','Terry Davenport e-mail',
'DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a \'cry for help\', simply shout \'Help!\' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.','Stephen McGrath, e-mail',
'DETER organ thieves from stealing your innards by swallowing several mousetraps minutes before your death.','Dean Rigg, e-mail',
'DEVOUT Catholics. If the Lord has not yet made Himself visible, perhaps you are looking in the wrong place. Try paying more attention to the flaking paint on your walls, the rust on your frying pan or the mouldy stains on your carpet as these are the sort of places where He usually turns up.','Jon Sangham, West Ho',
'DIABOLISTS. For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera\'s red-eye reduction feature.','Paul Bradshaw, e-mail',
'DIETERS. Buy only Russian Alphabetti Spaghetti as there are only 22 letters in the Cyrillic alphabet. Just watch the pounds fall off.','Sergei Atkinsov, e-mail',
'DISCARDED PALLETS make ideal \'designer futons\' for style-conscious tramps.','Jamaal, e-mail',
'DIY enthusiasts. Make your approach more professional by starting 3 days late, wearing ill fitting trousers and shaking your head at regular intervals','J. O\'Reilly, Stockport',
'DOCTORS. Take a tip from Search for a Star shows like Any Dream Will Do to make your patients\' hospital visits more exciting. Say “And the results of your cancer tests are…” then leave a two minute silence to build up the tension.','H Moron, Luton',
'DOCTORS. Tired of licking stamps? Simply attach your stamps to the underside of your tongue stick before the patient says “Aah.” Hey presto! Free saliva. ','Moe, e-mail',
'DOG LOVERS. Reduce your chances of going blind by only buying brown or black labradors.','Ian E, Glasgow',
'DOG owners. Avoid getting fined for failing to clean up after your pooch by carrying a joke shop dog poo around with you in a transparent polythene bag when you walk your pet.','Mark Anderson, Coventry',
'DOG owners. Don\'t waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.','Shauny Boy, e-mail',
'DOG OWNERS. Keep a plastic bag full of excrement behind the kitchen door. When you exercise the dog, take it with you to save collecting a new lot each time.','Phoebe Handrail, Yapton',
'DOG OWNERS. Never lose your TV remote control again. Simply sellotape it to the back of your dog, and hey presto! Whistle, and the device is at your beck and call! This can also apply to hot drinks, after intense training.','Theodore Tramp, e-mail',
'DOG owners. Next time your mutt bites the postman\'s arse, make sure you say “well, he\'s never done that before.”','Stu Perry the Postie, Isle of Man',
'DOG owners. Stop your pet drooling whenever you fry bacon by placing an odour-eater under each rasher as it cooks.','L. Marrion, Gloucester',
'DON\'T bother going to any trouble for loaded, elderly relatives. As their parting shot, they invariably leave the lot to someone who has never lifted a finger to help them.','Cecil Gaybody, Firkham',
'DON\'T buy bright red paint for exterior metalwork from B&Q. Judging by the state of many of their DIY stores, it\'s really shit.','Steve Lowndes, e-mail',
'DON\'T buy your sister-in-law a thong for her birthday then expect your wife to be pleased, particularly if you comment on how nice her arse looks in it.','GMK, e-mail',
'DON\'T fork out thousands of pounds on a jacuzzi-style bath. Make your own by placing a hairdryer in the bath.','Jack Plywood, Wiltshire',
'DON\'T throw away old socks. They can be used to protect cucumbers, marrows and aubergines from early frosts.','A Titmarsh, Harrogate',
'DON\'T throw away old string vests. Nailed to the walls outside they make an excellent trellis for climbing plants.','A Titmarsh, Harrogate',
'DON\'T throw away old underpants. With the leg holes sewn up and filled with earth, they make smashing hanging baskets for trailing plants.','A Titmarsh, Harrogate',
'DON\'T waste money buying Lo-salt. Normal salt is the same height and twice as tasty.','J. Reichelt, e-mail',
'DON\'T waste money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a \'death crash\' and let the ghosts keep you cool.','Russ, Sheringham',
'DON\'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.','Fish Kid, e-mail',
'DON\'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.','Ryan McCaffrey, e-mail',
'DON\'T waste money on phone calls for mobile screen savers. Just cut out the one you want from the advert and stick it on your phone.','S. Potts, e-mail',
'DON\'T waste money this Valentine\'s day buying your wife or girlfriend expensive underwear or chocolates. Simply buy her a pair of edible knickers from Anne Summers and kill two birds with one stone.','Duncan Brown, e-mail',
'DON\'T waste your money on a penis enlarger. Simply cut your pubic hair very short. I\'ve done it and it looks great.','Shabby Mack, e-mail',
'DON\'T worry if your kitchen smells of farts when you\'re boiling eggs. Simply eat the eggs and do a fart. Hey, presto. Your kitchen will smell of eggs again.','Scaddy, Crawley',
'DRINK as much as you like on Long haul flights and don\'t worry about being over the limit when you drive home from the airport - the time difference will have taken care of that.','J. Walker, Hemel Hempstead',
'DRINKERS. Towards the end of September, ring companies who specialise in providing personalised wine as corporate Christmas gifts. I have eleven sample bottles on their way to me already.','Jarvis Man, e-mail',
'DRIVERS. Avoid being nicked by the new \'average speed\' blue cameras by driving at 90mph for two minutes between them, them stopping for a spliff.','Ray Wilson, e-mail',
'DRIVERS. Drop gravel into your fuel tank so you can fill your car up for less at the petrol station.','Frank Randle, Clitheroe',
'DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.','Paul, South Africa',
'DRIVERS. If you catch a service station assistant drinking from a bottle of water, simply wink at her, laughingly asking if it\'s vodka. Even the most difficult day will be lightened by your chirpy humour.','Rosemary, Billericay',
'DRIVERS. Overcome boredom on motorway journeys by closing your eyes for as long as you dare, then daring yourself to close them for longer.','Tim Bradbury, Bristol',
'DRIVERS. Save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of your car. That way you will always be going downhill, thereby saving on fuel.','Daren Percy, Leigh',
'DRIVERS. Spot traffic build-up from miles away by mounting a telescope on your dashboard, thus giving you time to take an alternative route.','David Green, Swinton',
'DRIVERS. When overfilling your car with petrol by a few pence, simply wink at the assistant, laughingly telling her you\'ll “bring it in next time, love.” This will put a smile on her face before her already meagre wage is docked. Again.','Rosemary, Billericay',
'DRIVERS. When the salesgirl in your local petrol station holds your banknote up to the light, simply wink at her, laughingly telling her “the ink\'s still wet!” Trust me, she won\'t have heard this one before, and you might even get a shag.','Rosemary, Billericay',
'DRIVING towards a red light sufficiently fast will cause the \'blue shift\' effect, making it appear green, allowing you to go straight over.','Paul Bullough, e-mail',
'DRUG dealers. Turn your users into fun aquariums by cutting your gear with sea monkeys.','Pandeviant, e-mail',
'DRUNKEN drivers. When making your way home from a night out, put \'L\' plates on your car to convince patrol-ling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you.','Captain Fuck, Derrington',
'DRUNKEN ladies. When applying your \'Always\' sanitary pad with wings, always make sure you position the pad with the sticky side down.','Margaret, St Helens',
'DURING winter, put pop tarts on your radiators so you can have a warm snack throughout the day whilst saving electricity on your toaster.','Dave Oxendale, York',
'DUTCH masters. Try a little more light in your paintings. It\'s often difficult to see what\'s happening in the corners.','Peter Drobinski, e-mail',
'EACH month, put a pet mouse down the back of your sofa for a few hours. Hey Presto, all loose biscuit crumbs will be eaten.','Jason Richardson, Wallasey',
'EARN big money by displaying a “How\'s My Driving?” sign on your car, along with an 0906 number ( £1.50 per minute) which you can aquire through BT. Then simply drive around town like a complete arsehole.','Jim, Lancaster',
'EBAY sellers. Ensure that everybody looks at your item by writing “L@@K” in the title.','Andy, e-mail',
'EDITORS of \'Adult humour comics\'. Why not rage against the society that perpetuates low morale, low quality, disenfranchised lives for the social class 5s, whilst propping up your flagging income by advertising products that promote violence, aggressive sexual objectification of women, dehumanisation of minority social groups and substance misuse. You\'ll hardly notice the emotional dissonance of living comfortably whilst encouraging individuals to continue a cycle of depravation and nihilism in their funny little council estates.','N Tanner, Southend',
'ELDERLY drivers. Pressing the pedal on your right will make your car go a little faster. Forget all that rubbish about suffocating at speeds above 15mph, it was all a myth.','Oliver Hardy, e-mail',
'ELDERLY ladies. Ensure maximum delay for motorists by in the high street by conducting conversations beside zebra crossings.','Tim Dorrington, e-mail',
'EMO kids. Get revenge on everyone that \'doesn\'t care\' by cutting yourself in unseen places. That\'ll show \'em.','DJ Ants, e-mail',
'EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.','Johnny the E, e-mail',
'ENJOY indoor snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the overflow.','A Mawdsley, e-mail',
'EPILEPTICS. Next time you have a seizure, check yourself in the toilet mirror afterwards to make sure your best friends haven\'t drawn glasses on your face with a marker pen to the amusement of the rest of the nightclub.','J Roo, e-mail',
'ESTATE agents. Please look up the words luxurious, stunning and spacious in a dictionary so as I don\'t have to spend my weekends being shown around badly-built shoeboxes.','Simon Saladcream, e-mail',
'EX Blue Peter presenters. Start crying on telly when questioned about the death of your dog. People will never suspect that you used to give him a good hiding with his lead as I once saw you do in Halifax in 1978.','Fat Al White, Wrenthorpe',
'EXECUTIVES. Don\'t get stressed wasting money on anti-stress toys. Simply fill a condom with diarrhoea and tie a knot in the end. Hey presto! Your own anti-stress toy to squeeze all day long.','Laurence Lennin, e-mail',
'EXHIBITIONISTS. Strain your eyes until they go numb before masturbating, then it will feel like someone else is watching you.','John Budd, Reading',
'EXPERIENCE the thrills of a skiing holiday without the expense. Simply sellotape two planks of wood to your feet, sit in your freezer for three hours, then run into a tree as fast as you can.','M Jordan, Wales',
'F1 AUTHORITIES. Looking for new ideas to thwart Lewis Hamilton\'s bid to become World Champion next year? Simply introduce a rule saying that black drivers must start from the back row of the grid. And leave their handbrake on.','Colin Fibreboard, Peterborough',
'FARMERS in Staffordshire. Get up before the crows piss like all other farmers throughout the country. That way you won\'t have to do the 8 mile journey to your fields in a tractor at 10 mph during the rush hour.','Ex farmer, e-mail',
'FARMERS. Get up an hour later in winter, or buy a torch so the rest of us don\'t have to fart around adjusting clocks, watches and videos twice a year.','Victorio Angel, e-mail',
'FAT ladies. Eat cakes, pies, chocolates, etc using only the tips of your fingers so you look dainty.','Roy Aspinall, e-mail',
'FAT partygoers. Your overloaded plate is more likely to go undetected if you don\'t sing, whistle or hum with delight at the buffet.','Macker, e-mail',
'FATHERS. If you have a new-born baby, never made a derogatory comment on your wife\'s skills as a mother.','Marc Johnson Palace Hotel, Southend-on-Sea',
'FATTIES. Avoid your torso being surreptitiously filmed and used in a BBC news report about Britain\'s obesity problem by always wearing a T-shirt with \'All Newsreaders are Cunts\' written on it.','J Thorn, Hexham',
'FATTIES. Take a tip from smokers and stop your cravings for chips by Sellotaping a crisp to the top of your arm each morning.','L Zebra, Chessington',
'FEEL a bit like God for the day by making some little people out of plasticine, and then judging them harshly.','Hector Plywood, Devizes',
'FELLAS. Avoid having to do a single day\'s work in your life by simply wooing and marrying a queen.','P Mountbatten, London',
'FELLAS. Caress your girlfriend\'s back and arms occasionally to give the impression that you are not just interested in her sexual parts.','James Broom, Paris',
'FELLAS. Pretend that you are TV\'s Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.','Mark Hudson, e-mail',
'FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard\'s uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm test button and voila! A free grope!','D Clegg, Cirencester',
'FEMALE shop assistants. When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn\'t know they needed, and charge them  £50 labour costs for the transaction.','Tim Woods, e-mail',
'FILM makers. Why not cut down on the number of actors you need by having loads of identical twins and triplets in your stories, all played by the same actor, but never having them meet?','N Scott, e-mail',
'FINAL round contestants on Jasper Carrott\'s Golden Balls quiz. Whether you come away with any money is entirely down to whether your opponent chooses to \'Split\' or \'Steal\', so you yourself may as well \'Steal\'. That way , you double the amount, if any, that you win.','S Hawking, Cambridge',
'FINCHLEY parkies. Putting a second \'No Ball games\' sign 8 yards (7.32m) to the left of the current one will save us having to use a jumper for a goalpost.','Anthony Reuben, e-mail',
'FITNESS fanatics. When driving to the gym, spend half an hour circling the car park so as to nab a spot as close as possible to the door. That way you won\'t waste any energy before you embark on your two-hour workout.','Vic C, Bedford',
'FLATMATES. Take a picture of yourself naked and looking surprised and pin it on your bathroom door. That way if anyone bursts in on you they won\'t get a shocking surprise.','Jake, e-mail',
'FOOL everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly “Mmm! That was a lovely apple.”','Brian Clark, e-mail',
'FOOL neighbours into thinking your car is automatic by simply selecting reverse momentarily before driving off.','M. Johnson, Leigh on Sea',
'FOOL people into thinking you are an octopus by drinking several litres of ink and farting everytime someone startles you.','D. Grear, e-mail',
'FOOL potential car thieves into thinking there is a large dog in your parked vehicle by leaving the windows slightly open.','George Thrakes, Chester-Le-Street',
'FOOL women into thinking their opinions are valued by nodding occasionally and saying \'mmm\'.','Stu Holt, South Shields',
'FOOL workmates into thinking that your father hails from Italy by walking around saying things like \'Mama mia!…as my dad would say.\'','Jimmy Rey, e-mail',
'FOOL your boss into thinking that your alarm clock is broken by continually turning up late for work in the morning.','Kris Mortimer, e-mail',
'FOOL your friends into thinking you use expensive butter by simply using cheap margerine and ripping holes in the bread.','Jools B, e-mail',
'FOOTBALL fans with a lisp. Support Barcelona so as you can shout for your team without appearing stupid.','Welly Gogster, Kidsgrove',
'FOOTBALL managers. Force the opposition into committing foul after foul for dangerously high feet by fielding a team consisting entirely of dwarves.','Harry Perrin, e-mail',
'FOOTBALL teams. Fed up with good attacking play being let down by the final ball? Simply plan your moves to end one pass quicker and watch the goals fly in.','Steve Fitzpatrick, Birmingham',
'FOREIGNERS. Improve your English swearword vocabulary by dawdling aimlessly with your friends in front of the entrance to Oxford Circus tube station at 5.30pm every afternoon. Advanced linguists might like to try zig-zagging down the steps at a snail\'s pace while texting everyone back home.','Mark Glover, Coventry',
'FORMULA one fans. Recreate the excitement of your favourite sport by threading coloured beads onto a string, pulling it taut and lowering one end. For added authenticity, single beads can be used for practice, qualifying etc.','Colin Harrison, Glasgow',
'FORMULA one teams. Inject a little excitement into fuel stops by employing \'Carry On\' character Alf Ippatitimus as your pit \'lollipop man.\'','Morris Otis, Northumberland',
'FRUMPY middle-aged women. Save your energy by not lusting after Cliff Richard. I\'ve worked back stage at his gigs and his cock is tiny.','N Nurse, e-mail',
'GAMBLERS. Convince fellow punters that you have some inside knowledge by simply cheering every race winner and then counting a wad of cash in your pocket.','Nick Smith, Leeds',
'GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a  £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.','Chris, London',
'GAME show enthusiasts. By taking a potato waffle, standing it on its side and placing an insect in each hole, you can recreate your own miniature Celebrity Squares. It would probably be more exciting than the show itself.','E. Grant, Newcastle',
'GARDENERS. Save time cutting your lawn by using a strimmer. Simply pull the cord out to about 20 feet in length, start the strimmer and jump out of the way. Hey presto! a 40 foot diameter lawn cut in seconds. (This works best with circular lawns).','Rob Coxon, Sheffield',
'GARETH Gates. Avoid embarrassing bouts of stuttering by simply singing your replies to questions.','Matt Douse, Beverley',
'GCSE Students. Don\'t worry if you fail your Religious Education exam. Simply ignore the result and assign yourself an A grade, telling anyone who objects that it is your solemn belief that you passed.','Christina Martin, e-mail',
'GENERATE virtual after time drinking by simply setting your watch two hours fast and going to the pub two hours earlier. An added bonus is that when you arrive home pissed, yoiu can get two hours extra in bed by simply setting your watch back to normal.','Andy Hill (Professor of Drinking), Kingswinford',
'GENTLEMEN. Avoid any unnecessary scrotal surgery by removing any genital piercings before using the \'Black Hole\' water flume at Butlins, Bognor Regis.','Big Bladder, e-mail',
'GENTLEMEN. Next time you are making love with a lady, cross your eyes and Hey Presto! That saucy threesome with identical twins that you\'ve always dreamed of.','Chunk, e-mail',
'GENTLEMEN. Save money on expensive dating agencies. Simply stand across the road from your local lonely hearts club and when you see someone you like come out, follow them home at a discreet distance. After they have entered their home, leave a dignified amount of time before knocking on their door and asking them out for a drink.','Stewart Cowley, London',
'GENTLEMEN. Speed up your lovemaking by playing Benny Hill\'s theme tune \'Yackety Sax\' in the bedroom.','Fisk Kid, e-mail',
'GENTLEMEN. Upon leaving your favourite adult store into a busy street, affect an expression of utter shock, just in case.','John Mitchell, e-mail',
'GENTS. Save yourself embarrassment on washday. Place a strip of 1-inch wide sellotape in the gusset of your underpants every morning. This can simply be wiped clean after any unfortunate accidents.','Kenny, Fife',
'GENTS. When coming out of a florists, always punch the first person that you see to ensure that no one thinks you are gay.','Guy A Bell, Plymouth',
'GEORDIES. Protect yourself from bird flu by dressing the Angel of the North up like a giant scarecrow.','Craig Roberts, e-mail',
'GERMAN perverts. Go to a beach in California and shout “Help! I\'ve been stung by a jellyfish!” As the most natural remedy for this is dousing the sting in urine, you\'re almost guaranteed a golden shower from a gaggle of Baywatch beauties.','Brian Eggo, e-mail',
'GERMANS. Don\'t waste money on expensive, professionally produced scat movies. Simply set your video to record every athletics meeting involving Paula Radcliffe and Hey Presto! After a couple of years you\'ll have a scat video library second to none.','Alex W, Newcastle',
'GILLETTE. Now that you have been out-manoeuvred by Wilkinson\'s Sword with their 4 blade razor as opposed to your pathetic 3, why not catch them off their guard and make a 5 blade model?','Anonymous, e-mail',
'GIRLS! Create doubt in the minds of grieving wives by attending their husbands\' funerals in a big wide brimmed black fuck off hat, stilleto heels and a mini skirt whilst sniffing loudly into a handkerchief, all the time claiming that you were \'a good friend.\'','Amanda, Italy',
'GIRLS. During the warm weather, keep your discarded pullover or jacket draped over your shoulders and not tied around your waist, as this prevents us from looking at your bottom.','P. Birkin, London',
'GIRLS. Get those old 70\'s bell-bottoms from the wardrobe, cut the legs off and sew them back on upside down. They will then fit you once more.','Andy Balkham, Wandsworth',
'GIRLS. Make people think you are a nurse by growing a massive arse.','A Miller, Leeds',
'GIVE house spiders a taste of their own medicine by applying a coat of spray mount to all the surfaces in your home.','Felixthehat, e-mail',
'GIVE SPIDERS the nailbiting experience of a real life indiana Jones adventure by tipping them down a cardboard tube whilst slowly closing the lower end with a playing card. For added excitement roll a Ferrero rocher down the tube and hhave a friend insert cocktail sticks through the side at regular intervals.','John Bottom, e-mail',
'GIVE your office that fabric shop feel by pushing all the desks together and fixing rulers along one edge with blu-tac.','Superjohn, e-mail',
'GIVE yourself the impression of being \'high\' by lying down in a really hot bath whilst smoking a fag, then standing up as if the Queen had just walked in.','Glenn Wild, Rotherham',
'GOD. Annoy cyclists by making sure that the wind is blowing in their faces whatever direction they cycle in. For added entertainment, make sure the wind is blowing from behind as people leave the hairdressers.','Grant Warner, New Malden',
'GOLDEN Balls contestants. Eat greasy sausages before taking part in the programme. Then use your oily fingers to mark the \'Killer\' balls with a cross so they are easy to spot when you\'re trying to \'Bin\' them in the final round.','S Hawking, Cambridge',
'GRAFFITI artists. Don\'t forget to take a can of brick coloured spray tippex in case you make a mistake.','Jonathan Morr, Barnes',
'GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.','Reginald, e-mail',
'GUN JUMPERS. Avoid premature ejaculation during intercourse by offloading during foreplay.','YI Never, e-mail',
'GUYS. If your lady\'s reluctant to swallow, make her eat halloumi cheese to get her used to the taste.','E.C. McG, Canterbury',
'GUYS. Save wasted trips to the swimming baths by ringing them up to ask if there is any bikini-clad talent in the pool before you set off.','David Wells, Billericay',
'HALITOSIS sufferers. Try to regulate your breathing so that you breathe out when everybody else does.','Rob Ireland, Manchester',
'HAMMER nails through a cricket ball and roll it around in fallen leaves. Hey presto! An Autumn snowball. Cheap and great fun for the kids.','Matt Greatorex, e-mail',
'HATERS of shirt ironing. If you do the fronts, backs and sleeves first, there are only the collars left to do - and they\'re a piece of piss.','Geoff Barker, Germany',
'HAVE fun in the supermarket next time you go alcohol shopping. Fill you trolley to bursting point with booze, then add one packet of nappies. When paying, pretend that you don\'t have enough money and put the nappies back. Watch the faces of the checkout personnel. Priceless.','Wax, Addlestone',
'HAVING trouble getting one of those baseball caps with the peak on the back? Simply get one with the peak on the front (available anywhere), cut the peak off and sew it on the back.','Don Atkins, Cleethorpes',
'HEALTH SERVICE managers. Save millions by replacing the costly \'NHS Direct\' service with a simple recorded message that says, “It\'s probably OK, but if it doesn\'t start getting better, pop along to Accident and Emergency.”','Martin W, London',
'HELP to replenish the world\'s oxygen supply by taking a deep breath of city smog and breathing out near a tree.','Dazza, e-mail',
'HEROIN addicts. Instead of getting up at the crack of dawn everyday to go shoplifting to raise money for smack, why not cut out the middle man and simply nick the heroin? Not only will this save time, but it will be much safer as drug dealers\' homes don\'t usually have security guards and CCTV.','Damian Marshall, e-mail',
'HOLLYWOOD leading men. When chasing muggers in a London park at 4.00am, avoid tripping over your little dog by carrying it in a shoulder bag.','T Nunn, Kennington',
'HOME decorators. Use a roller in each hand and halve your painting time.','B&Q, Swallwell',
'HOME Office officials. Save the expense of sending David Blunkett on pricey trips to international conferences in South east Asia. Simply pop him in a flight simulator for eight hours, then sit him down in a sauna for two weeks feeding him chop suey flavoured Pot Noodles.','Iain McKie, London',
'HOMELESS people. Lighten your load by not buying a dog.','Ryan, e-mail',
'HOMELESS people. Take the piss by asking for money \'for a cup of tea\' whilst pissed out of your face on Special Brew.','Graham Purple, e-mail',
'HOMEOWNERS. Avoid coming home to find your video gone, your widescreen TV smashed because it was too heavy to carry and a big steaming turd in the middle of the carpet by not leaving your keys in the door in the morning.','B Sparks, Luton',
'HOMEOWNERS. Avoid losing your house keys during the day by simply leaving them in the door as you leave the house in the morning.','B Sparks, Luton',
'HOMEOWNERS. Don\'t hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.','Paul Bradshaw, e-mail',
'HOMEOWNERS. Put an ancient Egyptian type curse on all your property. then, if you are burgled and the police don\'t catch the culprit, you can rest assured they will die of a plague of boils or something.','P Nevitt, Springwell',
'HOMEOWNERS. When selling your house, replace your furniture with children\'s tables and chairs, and use a dwarf estate agent. Instantly, your house will seem more roomy than it actually is.','Derek Nerrington, e-mail',
'HORSE riders. Guard against your horse getting fat by giving it Hermesetas instead of sugar lumps.','Tracy Chitty, Hastings',
'HORSE whisperers. Speak louder. This will enable the animals to hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training times.','Name lost, Sorry',
'HOSPITAL patients. Arrive for your appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor to see you.','Dr Grim, e-mail',
'HOTELIERS. Save money on expensive promotions. Simply christen your beautiful daughter with the name of your hotel, film her having sex, and release the footage on the internet. Hey presto - instant worldwide advertising!','P. Ming, Paris',
'HOUSEHOLDERS. Store yellow crayons, broken pencils, dried up biros and highlighters somewhere handy. I keep mine in a jar by the telephone.','Mikey, e-mail',
'HOUSEWIVES. Add washing up liquid to your recipies so as you can cook and wash up at the same time.','Sam, e-mail',
'HOUSEWIVES. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can easily locate the area and check that the stain has gone.','Dean Saville, E-mail',
'HOUSEWIVES. Feel like a Hollywood celebrity by fitting red carpets in every room in your house. A trip to the toilet will feel like attending a film premiere.','T Jenkins, Grange Hill',
'HOUSEWIVES. Here\'s a splendid way of making your cooking oil go further. Simply leave it on the No.87 bus on the way home from the shops.','Geraint Crindle, Liverpool',
'HOUSEWIVES. Look in the dictionary to find the difference between the words \'need\' and \'want\', then carefully choose the right one to use when talking about buying new dresses.','Eggman, e-mail',
'HOUSEWIVES. Make the normally mundane task of switching the central heating on a little more exciting by singing \'The heating\'s on\' to the tune of 80s hit The Heat is On by Glen Frey as you are doing it.','Jorgen Jarlesberg, Goole',
'HOUSEWIVES. Wean your husbands onto raw eggs without them realising by removing the sand from your egg timer one grain at a time.','Tim, Brighton',
'HOUSEWIVES. When washing clothes, pop a couple of teabags in the washer instead of soap powder, milk where the fabric conditioner should go and put it on a boil wash. Hey presto, when the clothes are washed you can enjoy a nice cup of tea.','Adam Smith, Bradford',
'HUGE multi-national companies. Instead of employing highly paid IT departments, simply buy a consignment of parrots and teach them to say \'turn it off and then on again\'.','Tim Ogden, e-mail',
'HUSBANDS. Cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You\'ll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get into a car and fuck off.','Ben Nicol, Mernda',
'HUSBANDS. Get your wife to swallow your spunk by simply wanking into the milk before making her a cup of tea.','Michael Smyth, e-mail',
'HUSBANDS. Prevent stress build up by accepting that your wife is never going to suck your cock again and handing over your wallet so as she can go shopping.','Mrs. Realistic, Everywhere',
'HUSBANDS. Tired of sleeping with the same wife? Simply lie on top of her until she goes numb, and Hey Presto! She\'ll feel like someone else\'s wife.','Edd Almond, e-mail',
'IDENTICAL twins. Use Morse code to cheat in exams by stabbing yourself in the arm with a sharp compass. The other twin, at home with a text book, can \'feel\' the question and stab you back the answers.','W. Walker, Norwich',
'IF A member of your family suffers with Parkinson\'s disease, increase their self esteem and sense of worth by making sure they are the first to handle a new bottle of sauce at mealtimes.','D. Lee, e-mail',
'IF DRIVING your car quickly over speed bumps causes your exhaust to come loose, try reversing over them. It should tighten everything up.','Martin, Bradford',
'IF you fall over backwards in the street, avoid embarrassment by pretending that you are re-creating Charlie George\'s 1971 FA Cup goal celebration for Arsenal against Liverpool.','Jarty McBangkok, e-mail',
'IF YOU find yourself nervous at the prospect of addressing a group of senior lapdancers, try to imagine them all fully-clothed.','Graham Elvis Winning, e-mail',
'IF YOU see curly-headed funnyman Alan Davis in the street, Don\'t take his photograph as he recently told reporters that it really annoys him.','Rhiannon Collier, Newcastle',
'IF YOU want your mother-in-law never to come back to your house, buy her a razor for Christmas.','Dave Oxendale, York',
'IMAGINE you are small by sitting in a big tree and pretending it\'s a bonsai tree. And eating a king-size Mars bar.','Doug, e-mail',
'IMPOTENT men. Don\'t waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don\'t fancy her.','A Davis, e-mail',
'IN A RUSH? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid which boils at 200°C.','Carlos, Northern Ireland',
'IN THE same way that a lazy eye can be cured by covering the other eye with frosted glass, a lazy ear can be cured by pushing a cork into the good one.','DC Dry, Boston Spa',
'IN YOUR early twenties, yet remarkably unfit? Simply dye your hair grey so everything you do appears young and spritely.','Russell Antcliff, Loch Neigh',
'INHABITANTS of Putney. Instantly reduce the cost of your coffee at Cafe Nero near the tube station by 15%. Simply purchase a cappuccino “to go”, then body swerve just before you reach the door and sit in that booth round the corner of the counter where the feckless staff never go.','S Cowley, Putney',
'INITIAL City Link. Instead of the slogan you have painted on the sides of your lorries - “Your reputation in a box? We guarantee it…every time!” why not use the wording of clause 4.5 of your Standard Trading Conditions - “Whilst the Company shall use its reasonable endeavours to comply with any estimate given by the Company to the Customer, any delivery time (including date) given by or on behalf of the Company shall be an estimate only, time shall not be of the essence and shall not be binding upon the Company which shall be under no liability whatsoever, except as provided for in Clause 17, for failure to secure delivery of any Goods by any date or time howsoever caused,” which more accurately reflects your approach to the punctual delivery of urgent packages. ','U Kirby, Follingsby Park',
'INTERIM governments. Avoid coalition forces overstaying their welcome by yawning loudly and saying you have an early start in the morning.','Hamid Karzai, e-mail',
'INTERNET porn fans. Avoid tedious interruptions to wipe the screen by first covering it with several layers of cling film which can be torn off like F1 drivers do with their visors.','Neil Priestley, e-mail',
'IRAQI dictators. Avoid having to destroy missiles capable of traveling 7 miles further than the 93 mile limit set by international law by simply agreeing to only ever launch them from 7 miles further back.','Jim Bailey, Leeds',
'ITALIAN waiters. Ensure a warm welcome for your customers by having a good 5-second stare at their wives\' tits upon entry, and then another good stare after they have been seated.','Luke Bounty-Hunter, e-mail',
'JAZZ SINGERS. Show off your innate rhythmic ability, natural leadership and rat-pack-esque style by clicking your fingers on beats 2 and 4 ever-so-slightly off the beat in front of the bass player. It\'s a little known fact that as most bass players cannot keep time naturally, the whole thing would fall apart if it weren\'t for you clicking those fingers, so don\'t stop whatever you do. You can make it extra fun and unpredictable for the whole rhythm section by occasionally coming back in for the verse in tune and in the right place.','Jazzy2Fives, e-mail',
'JEREMY Beadle. When selling DVDs on yout TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.','Gladdy, Airdrie',
'JINX thieves by fitting mirrored glass to your house and car. When a thief breaks a window, Hey Presto! - seven years bad luck.','John Hymns, Macclesfield',
'JOHN Fortune. Make your satirical attacks on American corporate greed on the Rory Bremner show carry more weight by appearing in slightly fewer adverts for McDonalds in your spare time.','Roland Butter, Denmark',
'JOHN Wayne. Never show any pain when receiving the beating of a lifetime, but wince when having your wounds tended by a woman.','Oggerina, e-mail',
'JOURNALISTS for local TV stations. Fool viewers into thinking you have been sent abroad by waiting a few seconds before answering questions the presenter asks you.','Douglas Castle, Beecormack',
'JULIAN from Anglian Homes. Cover up your phone mouthpiece next time you ask your supervisor what to do, and he replies \'make something up.\'','Ted Bundy, e-mail',
'JURY foremen. Add suspense to a verdict by saying “We the jury find the defendant…” and then leave a two minute pause before delivering the outcome whilst another jury member plays a low roll on a kettle drum.','Edna Spinosa, Newant',
'KEEP a copy of Love Actually or Mrs Doubtfire in your medicine cabinet at home. The last five minutes of these films can induce vomiting if toxic substances have accidentally been swallowed.','T Crone, Louth',
'KEEP an empty bottle of milk in your fridge in case someone wants black coffee or even tea.','Richard Hawkins, e-mail',
'KEEP wives and girlfriends on their toes by telling them they are the fattest girl you have ever been out with.','Hapag Lloyd, Runcorn',
'KIDS. Threading a piece of string through a ping pong ball and painting it brown is ideal for a fun game of conkers that conforms with the 1974 Health & Safety Act, section 52, paragraph c.','Grant B Warner, New Malden',
'KYLIE. Ensure maximum publicity for your next single by shoving a coke bottle up your Jacky Danny, and inviting round the world media.','Rob Salmon, e-mail',
'LAD MAG cover photographers. When photographing cover girls pulling their knickers down, wait an extra second after they place their thumbs in the waistband before taking the picture. That way we might actually see something interesting.','Cameron Morley, e-mail',
'LADIES! Putting your mouth and chin inside a pint glass and sucking hard for three minutes is an excellent way to give yourself a “Fred Flintstone” five o\'clock shadow.','Michelle Armsponder, Port Sunlight',
'LADIES, save money on sexy lace underwear by stapling paper doilies to your usual underwear.','Pete Turner, e-mail',
'LADIES. A \'guide bat\' tethered to your finger with a short piece of string is the perfect way to avoid trees and horses in the dark.','G. Lineker, e-mail',
'LADIES. Avoid parking discrepancies by aiming to park all wonky. There is a good chance you will end up perfectly straight and within the lines.','A Man, Houseville',
'LADIES. Avoid premature widowhood by preventing your husband entering the bathroom with any electrical appliances.','Susan Plywood, Wiltshire',
'LADIES. Cause unnecessary congestion at petrol forecourts by waiting for the pumps on the side nearest your petrol cap, as the 9-foot long hose may not reach round your 5-foot wide hatchback.','I Keir, e-mail',
'LADIES. Make your own industrial floor polisher by sliding a pair of your hubbie\'s towel­ling socks onto the blades of a Flymo.','Matt Rundle, e-mail',
'LADIES. Prevent sexist workmen from shouting “Get yer tits out!” by having them permanently on display.','Hoolmes, E-mail',
'LADIES. Take all the tips from \'Chat\' magazine and send them to \'Take A Break\'. It\'s a nice little earner, and the mindless zombie publishers will neither know nor care.','Ben, Swansea',
'LADIES. When invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the Queen will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.','Chris Davies, e-mail',
'LADIES. When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.','Lee Henman, e-mail',
'LADY drivers. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.','Barno, London',
'LANDLORDS. Save thousands of pounds paying hugely inflated monthly rates for Sky Sports by simply painting a small white pint glass with Tippex in the bottom right-hand corner of your TV screen.','Ross Bill, e-mail',
'LECTURERS. Clear nail varnish makes ideal tippex for correcting mistakes on overhead transparencies.','P A Hallows, Manchester',
'LEEDS United fans. Save time on a Saturday afternoon by just popping along to Elland Road for the last two minutes of each game, as this is invariably when all the action is.','T Hennesey, Nottingham',
'LEEDS UNITED players of the early 70s. If you concentrated a bit more on training and tactics instead of writing letters to Viz, perhaps you wouldn\'t get beaten by the old Second Division Sunderland side in the 1973 FA Cup final.','Fat Al White, Wrenthorpe',
'LEEDS United. Help yourself out of debt by not picking up the Ticket Line phone, and then putting it down again when your supervisor whispers to you to do so.','Angry Matt, Goole',
'LEFT wing celebrities. When offered an OBE or similar gong, don\'t \'accept it begrudgingly\', saying you disagree with system, but it is churlish to turn it down. Simply tell them to fuck off and keep your credibility.','T Thorne, Hexham',
'LEPRECHAUNS. Protect your finances by investing in a tracker fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it.','David Goodall, e-mail ',
'LETTERBOCKS fans. Save two quid every deci-month by picking up a free copy of Metro every day. Most of the letters in Viz get reprinted in there eventually.','Rob Leese Jones, e-mail',
'LIGHTEN up worrying trips to the doctors by posing every question with the prefix \'Doctor, Doctor.\'','Christina Martin, e-mail',
'LOCAL councils. Instead of wasting money putting speed humps all over the place, simply make anyone convicted of speeding put egg-shaped wheels on their cars.','Paddy O\'Faggot, e-mail',
'LONELY? Simply stand around any city centre smoking a cigarette and Hey Presto! A legion of un-washed friends, simply for the cost of a Mayfair.','Daniel Jackson, Glasgow',
'LORRY drivers. Save pounds by spending less on pornography and axes to kill women with.','Ian Corrigan, e-mail',
'LOST all the balls for your table football? Simply fill it with water and hey presto! - an exciting synchronised swimming game for all the family.','Andrew Smith, e-mail',
'LOTTO players. This weekend when you buy a ticket, mark the \'Wednesday\' box instead of the \'Saturday\' one. Then on Saturday night when none of your numbers come up, you\'ll have another chance to win on Wednesday.','Richard Karslake, Oxon',
'MAIL ON SUNDAY. Take a tip from \'Have I Got News For You\' - get round injunctions and write what you like about Angus Deayton by simply adding the word \'allegedly\' to the end of every sentence.','A. Dannon, e-mail',
'MAKE delayed train journeys fly for everyone by tutting and sighing as much as you can down the closest person\'s earhole.','Keren Kehoe, e-mail',
'MAKE people believe you are magic by vigourously shaking a bottle of talcum powder when you exit a room, thus giving the impression of you disappearing in a cloud of smoke.','Christopher Lou, Martinsville',
'MAKE striking firefighters leap into action. Set fire to a porn warehouse and see how quick they move.','J Kerin, Faversham ',
'MAKE sure you get good service at the McDonald\'s Drive-thru by pasting a big yellow \'M\' to your windscreen and ticking a clipboard as you place your order.','Rosslynman, e-mail',
'MAKE your new neighbours immediately regret moving into their new home by introducing yourself as a \'senior resident of the street\' and telling them that \'everyone round here likes things just the way they are.\'','Guy, Nottingham',
'MAKE your own carrots by painting parsnips orange.','Der Schturmer, e-mail',
'MAKE your own cherry tomatoes by watering beefsteak tomato plants with bonsai feed.','Mounty Don, e-mail',
'MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.','Mark Hughes, Southampton',
'MAKE your postman\'s day by opening the door as he comes up the path and saying “If there are any bills you can take them back. Ha! Ha! Ha!”','Stu Perry (Postman), Isle of Man',
'MAKE your steam iron glide effortlessly over your clothes by filling it with vegetable oil instead of water.','Peter Sandlee, London',
'MAKERS of Anchor Spreadable Butter. Save time and printing ink by simply calling it \'Anchor Butter.\'','Richard Daw, Hereford',
'MAKERS of the Gillette Mach 3 razor. Save money by putting the blade that shaves the closest at the front and forgetting about the other two.','Orbish. e-mail',
'MALES. If stuck for something to talk about with other equally awkward males at social gatherings, simply pipe up about a random A road or motorway that you crossed on your journey and mention that it was \'quite busy.\' This will spark off an exchange of similar road themed anecdotes that should last until hometime.','Latchkey Wizzard, Canterspay',
'MANUFACTURERS of Gilette razors. Leapfrog Wilkinson Sword\'s inevitable six-bladed resonse to your new five-blader, and immediately release a seven-bladed razor.','T Thorn, Hexham',
'MARK LAWRENSON. When the camera moves away from you in a wide shot on Football Focus, don\'t do that shifty sideways glance to see if you are still on screen as you get caught every time.','Mark Bates, e-mail',
'MARRIED women. Bored of having sex with the same man again and again? Simply sit on your husband\'s cock until it goes numb and Hey Presto! It feels like someone else is banging you.','Gariath Rubberhead, e-mail',
'MARS BAR fans. Buy a Snickers bar and pick out the peanuts. Hey presto, a Mars bar and a handful of peanuts, all for the price of a Snickers.','Tim Woods, e-mail',
'MASTURBATORS. Create the effect that you\'ve been sleeping on your arm by getting someone else to pull you off.','John Dobson, e-mail',
'MATHEMATICIANS. It is always easier to work with smaller numbers so when adding up big numbers, simply take one away from each figure and then add two onto your final number.','Tim Gibson, e-mail',
'MCDONALD\'S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they\'ve been thrown out of car windows.','Richard Karslake, Oxon',
'McDONALD\'S. Save money on glass by not building a \'window number 1\' in your drive throughs as there is invariably never anybody there.','M. B. Lloyd, Fawdon',
'McDONALDS. Double the amount of money your customers donate to children\'s charities by reducing the cost of your breakfast from  £1.99 to  £1.98.','Dave Saunders, Cricklewood',
'MEN. Attract loads of gorgeous women in the most remote locations by simply releasing a foul-smelling fart. They will appear as if by magic at this inopportune time.','Steve Morris, Cheshire',
'MEN. Can\'t get a blow job? Simply strip bollock naked, plonk yourself arse-first into an empty dustbin, and you should be able to do it yourself. Use a pile of tyres instead of a dustbin if you require deep throat.','Allen Bethell, e-mail',
'MEN. If you have a bout of wind in a posh restaurant, tell the waiter there are crumbs on your chair. When he comes to remove the crumbs with a little hoover, you can fart to your heart\'s content.','Ben Jones, Bristol',
'MEN. Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.','Manytrix, e-mail',
'MEN. Make women think you are a good lover by cutting scratches in your back with a fork before walking shirtless along the beach.','Les Washington, Camberley',
'MEN. Re-create the excitement of a Soho peep show by going to a nudist beach wearing a burka.','J. Geils, Band',
'MEN. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.','Paul Hargreaves, e-mail',
'MICHAEL PARKINSON. Take your thorny-issue-avoiding interview style to its ultimate conclusion by inviting Osama Bin Laden onto your show and asking him for funny anecdotes about life on the road.','G Dyke, On his Bike',
'MICRA drivers. The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as \'fifth gear\'. This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph.','Rebecca, e-mail',
'MIDGETS. Draw less attention to your disability by dressing up in children\'s clothes and passing yourself off as a toddler.','Madeleine McDonald, Edinburgh',
'Mike Fitzgerald,','Jersey ',
'MINIMISE the chance of stepping in canine pavement deposits when it\'s too dark to see by taking full length strides with every pace.','Trev, e-mail',
'MINIMISE the risk of breaking your arm by avoiding swans wherever possible.','H Lloyd, Billingham',
'MOBILE party DJs. Having trouble getting nervous guests up and dancing? Try petulantly demanding “What\'s wrong with you?”, and calling them all “boring”. That should do the trick.','Mark Glover, Coventry',
'MOBILE phone users. On trains always choose a seat in the last carriage. Then, when a train enters a tunnel, run as fast as you can towards the front of the train. This will ensure that you are in the tunnel for the shortest possible time and are less likely to miss that all-important call.','Rusty Gronk, Gateshead',
'MONKS. Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It\'s more comfortable and you\'ll be able to watch TV and use the internet.','Not-So-Private Ryan, e-mail',
'MORRISONS supermarket in Whitley Bay. Put a nice 10-foot long canopy in the designated smoking area to keep your employees nice and dry whilst they have their fags. Meanwhile, leave the three spaces for cycles open to the elements.','Troy Hurtubise, Whitley Bay',
'MORRISSEY. Stop chirping on about the USA and capitalism in your songs when a) you live over there and b) you go on chat shows just to promote your new album you fucking charlatan.','The Jones Boy, Chesterfield',
'MOTHERS. Don\'t use poisonous shampoos on your children\'s hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying \'Independence Day\' shadow over your child\'s head.','A. Feather, Caterham',
'MOTORISTS. Always have a hot pie in your hands in heavy    traffic. Each time the traffic grinds to a halt, just reach for the pie. The instant you place it to your lips the traffic begins to move. This works especially well with the molten lava apple turnovers from KFC.','Pat Jackson, e-mail',
'MOTORISTS. Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.','A Corten, Caerleon',
'MOTORISTS. Deflate all your tyres before putting 20p in the forecourt air-line machine. That way you\'ll get your money\'s worth.','Oliver Hardy, e-mail',
'MOTORISTS. Park for free in any city centre by smashing the windows, pulling out the radio and attaching a \'Police Aware\' sticker to the front windsreen. Long term parkers may wish to burn their vehicles out for greater effect.','Rob Chingford, e-mail',
'MOTORISTS. When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly, and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he\'s been caught.','Kathy, Crewe',
'MOTORISTS. When stopped by the police for speeding or driving dangerously, always indignantly point out that they could better spend their time arresting \'proper\' criminals. I haven\'t tried it myself, but I\'m sure they\'d see your point and let you off with a warning.','Matt Greatorex, e-mail',
'MOUNTAIN bikers. Stop that irritating squeal from your brakes and reduce wear on them by oiling the rims of your wheels before taking on that tricky descent.','SS, Bunny',
'MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.','C. Tarquin, e-mail',
'MOVIE-GOERS. If you are late for the start of a film, and think the lights may already be dimmed when you enter the cinema, close one eye about the time you buy your ticket and then open it when you enter the auditorium. Hey presto, you won\'t be fumbling around in the darkness for the steps or seats. ','Brian Derbyshire, Warrington',
'MOVIE-GOERS. Just before your film ends, hold one eye wide open with your thumb and forefinger, so you won\'t be dazzled by the lights when you leave the cinema.','Brian Derbyshire, Warrington',
'MRS TOM Jones. Prevent your husband from bursting on a hot day by pricking him several times with a fork.','E. Hoover, Leeds',
'MUMS over 50. Don\'t forget the last date for boiling Christmas carrots and sprouts is the 5th December.','Pete O\'Bog, West Bromwich',
'MUMS. After your kids have mastered spelling with Alphabetti Spaghetti, buy a tin of the normal stuff so as they can practise joined-up writing.','Jay, e-mail',
'MUMS. Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I can\'t Believe It\'s Not Butter. They won\'t know what to believe.','Sam McCrohan, Guildford',
'MUMS. Keep everyone guessing about whether or not you have just sworn at your children by not saying “…And that\'s swearing!” after you have just sworn at them.','Guy, Nottingham',
'MUMS. Make bath nights more fun for the kids by playing \'moth aircraft carrier\'. Simply float a shoebox in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the bathroom lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.','A Hall, e-mail',
'MUMS. Out of Christmas wrapping paper? Simply convert birthday wrapping paper by adding “Jesus” after “Happy Birthday.”','Roll Fizzlebeef, e-mail',
'MURDERERS. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.','A Langley, Broadstairs',
'MUSIC LOVERS. Make sure to butter the non reflective side of your CDs so that if you drop it, it lands butter side down, thus preventing any scratches to the mirror side.','Danny Dishcloth, e-mail',
'NATURALISTS. Make your own otter by doing bonsai on a seal.','Julian Barlow, Coggeshall',
'NEED to measure an alligator but only have a school ruler? Simply measure the distance between its eyes in inches, to give its overall length in feet.','Jungle John, Liverpool',
'NERVOUS people. Never chew the inside of your cheeks whilst on high strength prescription painkillers.','Matt Hindley, e-mail',
'NEW Zealand tax inspectors. Save time by scrapping the section on the IR3 form asking people to declare \'income from illegal enterprises\' as it is unlikely to elicit a great deal of response.','M. Barrymore, New Zealand',
'NEWCASTLE United. Show your commitment to the “Show Racism the Red Card” campain by plastering posters all over the town, then employing Bowyer, Woodgate and Bellamy.','Matt, Whitley Bay',
'NEWLYWEDS. Act in a surreptitious manner from the start of your marriage so as not to attract suspicion when you do have an affair.','Joel Young, Middlesbrough',
'NEWSREADERS. Save time in broadcasts by simply reporting when Pete Doherty hasn\'t been arrested on some drugs charge. ','Paul Skinback, e-mail',
'NON SMOKERS. Convince everyone that you are a sixty a day man by smearing the fingers of your right hand with iodine.','S MacRat, e-mail',
'NORMAL Mars bars make ideal Ice Cream Mars bars for Eskimos.','Burt, Lancaster',
'NORTHERNERS. On hot summer nights go to bed wearing a shower cap full of frozen peas to cool your head. And when you wake up you\'ll have a tasty mushy pea snack ready for breakfast.','Gary Parslow, e-mail',
'NUDISTS. In cold weather, when you are forced to wear clothes, simply pin a photograph of your cock and balls onto the front of your trousers.','Al Read, Halifax',
'NUDISTS. Keep your testicles cosy and warm during cold snaps by popping your scrotum into a “string vest” made from one of those net bags you get with washing tablets.','Al Read, Halifax',
'NUNS at St Cuthbert\'s School in the early 1970s. Demonstrate a keen sense of irony by calling yourselves the \'Sisters of mercy\' whilst beating the shit out of us kids on a daily basis with bamboo canes.','Paul Bradshaw, e-mail',
'NURSING home staff. Modify a bathtub by attaching roller skates to the bottom, and next time you give an old man a bath, roll him down a country lane for some \'Last of the Summer Wine\' style fun.','Michael Edwards, Stockton on Tees',
'OBESE Radio 1 breakfast DJs. Why not discuss with your colleagues on air how you intend to spend your  £600k salary? Your listener demographic of 16-25 year-old van drivers, warehouse workers and sixth-formers will really appreciate the insite.','Shifty, e-mail',
'OFFICE managers. When leaving your office desk for any length of time, make sure you leave your mobile phone on and unnattended. Set it to play \'The Yellow Rose of Texas\' loudly, instead of just ringing, then complain loudly when you return and find it in pieces in the bin.','Damian O\'Neil, Heaton',
'OIL companies. Avoid having the general public pointing the global warming finger at you by putting some pictures of trees and flowers on your websites and adverts.','Will Neale, e-mail',
'OIL COMPANIES. Buy twenty quid\'s worth of groceries at Safeway and you\'ll be given a voucher for 20p off a litre of petrol. Send one of your tankers and fill it up with 20,000 litres and save 4 grand. Then sell it at your own petrol stations at the normal price. Safeway are in some disarray at present and are unlikely to work out your scam, and you won\'t have to rob your employees pension funds to shore up your profits.','Terry Leahy, e-mail',
'OLD BIDDIES. Easter is not going to be early or late next year. So that will save you one crappy conversation.','Old Biddy, e-mail',
'OLD biddies. Easter will neither be \'very late\' nor \'very early\' this year. So that\'s one less interminable conversation you can have with each other.','Dave Stuttard, Warrington',
'OLD ladies. A dab of silver model aircraft paint transforms repulsive facial warts into fashionable piercings.','Robert Stuart, London',
'OLD people. Attach a sweeping brush to the front of your mobility trolley. Now, instead of being a menace on the pavements, you can provide a valuable service to your community.','Ben Reeves, Hove',
'OLD people. Avoid flu-jab embarassment by not pulling your trousers down whilst the nurse is away getting your jab. It is administered via the arm these days.','Duncan, e-mail',
'OLD people. Each night, go to sleep in the recovery position, potentially saving paramedics valuable time.','Kev Pick, e-mail',
'OLD people. Ensure a good fight at your wake by leaving a valuable antique in your will to a distant relative, whilst promising it to a closer relative verbally before you die.','T Poldark, Cornwall',
'OLD people. If you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat. When you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.','Win Dozsthreeone, e-mail',
'OLD people. Next time you start a conversation with the words \'Of course, it goes without saying…\' you can then simply shut up, because whatever you were about to say obviously goes without saying.','Adrian Horsman, Banbridge, Co. Down',
'OLD people. Prevent being beaten black and blue for paltry amounts of money by carrying large sums of cash with you at all times.','Frank Blofeld, Wales',
'OLD PEOPLE. Save having to get a flu jab each year by not queuing outside the Post Office every Tuesday morning in the pouring rain an hour before it opens. They won\'t run out of money. It\'s not like the queue outside the butcher\'s during the war.','Sarah Cocks, e-mail',
'OLYMPIC commentators. Inform the audience how old the female gymnasts are before they start their routine, thus preventing any illegal thoughts involving their flexibility.','Biliboba Jandouin, e-mail',
'ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.','Sam McCrohan, Guildford',
'ORDINARY people. Make yourselves feel more important by carrying a bugle everywhere you go and sounding it before you enter.','L Luton, Wolverhampton',
'ORIENTALS who would like to look more western. Insert a spaghetti hoop instead of your contact lenses. Hula hoops could also be used in more extreme circumstances.','C. McClintock, e-mail',
'ORIGAMI ENTHUSIASTS. Save money on expensive brown paper by simply folding Happy Shopper beefburgers. Also your final model can also be grilled, filling your house with the pleasing aroma of tramps\' socks.','A. Morris, London',
'OWNERS of mouse circuses. A Toblerone bar makes an ideal bike rack for your display team\'s motorcycles when they are not in use.','Horst Farqhar, Warwick',
'OWNERS of sandwich shops in Diamond Street, Aberdeen who run out of bread at 12.15 every day. Instead of advising hungry customers to arrive earlier, why not simply order more bread.','Brian, e-mail',
'PAEDOPHILES. Confuse the police during questioning by making suggestive remarks about old ladies.','Johnny Pring, e-mail',
'PARENTS of identical twins. Save money on costly school photographs by simply having one of your children snapped, then photocopying the resultant print. Repeatedly remark to visitors how incredibly similar your children are in order to disguise your deception.','Stewart Cowley, e-mail',
'PARENTS. A small amount of cement added to your child\'s sandcastle will ensure that his/her hard work is not ruined when the tide comes in.','Corp. Rock & Sgt. Roll, e-mail',
'PARENTS. Avoid throwing the baby out with the bath water by using an ordinary kitchen sieve or some chicken wire loosely attached to the bath.','Mrs Peggy Sarsons, Oldham',
'PARENTS. Baffle everyone your baby daughter will ever meet by calling her \'Shivorn\' but insist it is pronounced \'Sea O\'Ban\'.','A. Delarosa, Hove',
'PARENTS. Each week count the contents of your cutlery drawer. This way you can quickly identify if any spoons or knives have gone missing that could potentially be used to administer illegal drugs or commit violent crime.','J Dolphin, Northampton',
'PARENTS. Half a cocktail stick with a blob of nail varnish on the end makes an ideal “safety match” that your children can play with without the risk of setting fire to anything.','Spud, Luton',
'PARENTS. When people ask how old your child is, they want to know how old he is at the moment. The phrase \'he/she will be five next birthday\' involves some tricky calculations and is not very useful.','Nikko, e-mail',
'PARTY HOSTESSES. Cactus plants make excellent buffet sausage dispensers if you\'ve run out of grapefruits and cocktail sticks.','Mrs Wilton, Rochdale',
'PAUL Daniels. Liven up your routine by actually sawing the \'lovely\' Debbie McGee in half on stage.','Rollo Bin Web, White City',
'PENPALS. If you and your penpal should fall out, simply send each other empty envelopes.','Fiona, e-mail',
'PENSIONERS. Get to the bus stop 30 mins before your bus pass starts. That way you can spent half an hour whingeing that the driver wouldn\'t let you on the bus. You will especially enjoy this if the driver is black.','Simon Drugs, Walsall',
'PEOPLE called Steve. Save time by calling yourself Ste, (pronounced \'Stee\').','Name lost, Sorry',
'PEOPLE called Steven. Save time by calling yourself Steve.','Name lost, Sorry',
'PEOPLE in Cheltenham. When smearing dogshit on Craig David\'s Porsche 911 in the Royal Well car park, make sure you get plenty under the door handles and not just on the bonnet.','I. Purdy, e-mail',
'PEOPLE in lifts. If Bruce Willis gets in wearing a vest and no shoes, exit the lift at the earliest opportunity.','Jason Knight, e-mail',
'PEOPLE who don\'t like eating breakfast. Sit on your cornflakes until they go numb and, hey presto, it feels like someone else is eating your breakfast.','Jason Knight, Reading',
'PET OWNERS. Rats make ideal \'large print\' mice for short-sighted cats.','Matthew Phillimore, e-mail',
'PETER Andre. Don\'t make a fool of yourself trying to have sex with Jordan in the jungle. Simply become a professional footballer and wait your turn.','Tim, e-mail',
'PHILANDERERS. Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by only having flings with girls who have the same name as your wife.','Russell Codd, Leeds',
'PHILANTHROPISTS. Be careful when giving street alcoholics money for \'a cup of tea\', as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on strong liquor.','Mark Jordan, e-mail',
'PHOTOGRAPHERS. Confuse Boots employees by taking pictures of your negatives and developing positive negatives.','Harry Partrridge, e-mail',
'PLACE an ice-cream tub in the basin to catch any excess water while washing hands. You\'ll quickly collect enough to flush the loo.','Alice Ridden, E Sussex',
'PLACING your penis in the bottom of your girlfriends popcorn box will give her a real shock at the cinema. Especially if you\'re at home watching football at the time.','Michael Edwards, Stockton on Tees',
'POLICE. Save money on expensive sirens by putting a police dog on the roof of your patrol car and shutting the door on its tail before attending a 999 call.','Andy Bradshaw, e-mail ',
'POP bands. Save on costly smoke machines by lining up toasters around the stage, popping in some white rolls and taping the pop-up mechanisms down.','Richard Emery-Board, Alveston',
'PORNOGRAPHERS. When positioning your centrefolds, try to avoid putting the staples directly over the models\' genitals. Not only are they what we\'ve paid to see, it also looks somewhat uncomfortable for the young ladies concerned. ','Isaac Cox, Liverpool',
'POST offices. Put up a notice saying \'Travel Money Available Instantly Here\', let people queue up for ten minutes and then advise them that they need to give 3 days notice to order Euros for the holiday they are going on the next day.','Loz, e-mail',
'POSTING a letter? If you want it to arrive at its destination as soon as possible, pop a first-class stamp on it. If it\'s nothing urgent, pop a second-class stamp on it. Simple!','Tristram Hawks, Luton',
'POSTMEN. Increase your chances of receiving a Christmas tip from grateful customers by not being such a fucking misery for the other 51 weeks of the year.','Warwick Sloss, Bristol',
'POTENTIAL suicidees. Increase your chances by taking more than 10 tablets, locking your front and back doors and not phoning close family friends threatening to \'do something stupid\'.','James Shaw, e-mail',
'POTHOLERS. Take a tip from cats and avoid getting stuck in holes by growing a moustache to the exact width of your body.','Ryan Lloyd, Rhyl',
'POWER companies. After a blackout, wait until midnight before turning on the power again. That way, everybody\'s alarm clocks and videos will be automatically re-set.','Joe Leary, On fire in Australia',
'PREGNANT weatherwomen. When presenting the report, stand front on to the camera so as anybody living west of Stoke on Trent can see what the weather will be like in their area.','Heppy, West Yorks',
'PRETEND to be a tiny person by pouring all the crisps from a multi-pack bag into the big bag they came in, and eating them out of that.','Alastair Baverstock, e-mail',
'PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.','Anthony Smales, Beverley',
'Professional footballers. Remember, there is plenty of time to get pissed after your playing career has ended.','T. Haines, London',
'PROSTITUTES. Helping a client to undress can be sexy, but dressing him afterwards takes him back to childhood when his mother helped him get ready for school.','Tom Brown, e-mail',
'PROSTITUTES. If selling your body for sex makes you feel cheap, then simply raise your prices.','Tony Fisher, Ipswich',
'PUBLIC toilet users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.','Sam, e-mail',
'PUT a sawn-off piece of exhaust pipe in your mouth in an attempt to fool your Dad you\'ve swallowed his car.','Ken Leopard, e-mail',
'PUT on a pair of swimming trunks and ask your wife to hit you over the head with a chair and push you through a pasting table. Get your kids to boo and chant obscenities and hey presto!- you\'re the star of your own WWF wrestling show.','Bob Harris, Cardiff',
'PUTTING your wife\'s perfume in the freezer for 2 hours, then drinking the separated alcohol makes explaining why you would do such a thing a whole lot easier.','Olly Sherman, e-mail',
'QUEENS. Don\'t throw away old crowns. They make excellent cosies for Ming Dynasty teapots.','HM Queen Elizabeth II, Windsor',
'QUEENS. If a large jewel falls out of one\'s sceptre, it can easily replaced with a pear drop of the same colour, from which one has sucked the sugar coating.','HM Queen Elizabeth II, Windsor',
'RACISTS. Convince others that you are not a racist by saying \'I\'m not a racist, but…\' before saying something racist.','P Dockar, Leicester',
'RADIO 5\'s Victoria Derbyshire. Instead of cutting racist callers off half way through their diatribe, simply don\'t bate them to call your phone-in show in the first place by asking loaded questions like “What would YOU do about the immigrants?”','J Thorn, Hexham',
'RADIO FIVE listeners. Find out which C-list celebrity will be appearing on the day\'s talk shows to plug their book or show by watching \'Breakfast\' on BBC1 earlier thaty morning.','Old Biddy, e-mail',
'RAPPERS. Avoid having to say \'know what I\'m sayin\' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.','J Calabas, e-mail',
'RATS. Improve your image by attaching a small brush to your arse and pretending to be a squirrel.','Colin Saunders, e-mail',
'RAY MEARS. Lose those extra pounds by not constantly grazing on grass and leaves like some kind of prize-winning cow.','Daniel Green, e-mail',
'READERS. Don\'t waste money buying a copy of Bridget Jones\' Diary. Simply dig out your twenty year-old copy of The Diary of Adrian Mole and cross out all the references to \'spots, replacing them with \'fat arse\'.','Chris Cowen, e-mail',
'RECENTLY defunct and apparently worthless European coins still work as legal tender for buskers, beggars, the honesty box in WHSmith and old ladies collecting for charities. Especially the RNIB.','Jamie Groves, e-mail',
'RE-COUP some of the fortune you\'ve spent on overpriced Viz comics over the years by auctioning your bog-smelling old ones online and lying about both their condition and rarity.','Chris, e-mail',
'RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.','Christian Frank, Billingham',
'RECREATE the feeling of time travel by falling asleep on the train and awakening on arrival at your destination. Hey presto, you\'ve arrived in the future!','Geoff Wilson, Nottingham',
'RECREATE the smell of farts by opening a pack of Iceland\'s diced chicken.','Grant Warner, New Malden',
'REDUCE the risk of night time fire by soaking all your furniture with a hosepipe before going to bed.','Gegsey, e-mail',
'RELUCTANT ARTISTS. If you want an excuse to put off starting a pencil drawing, simply have a letter, top tip or Profanisaurus entry published in Viz. The idle bastards will never bother sending your pencil, so you can avoid commencing your drawing indefinitely.','Nick Pettigrew, London',
'REMOVE lice cheaply and easily by putting onion juice on your head. Wait a few moments until the lice rub their eyes and simply fall off your head.','S Hughes, e-mail',
'RESIDENTS of Stevenage. Save money for Christmas by only buying enough fireworks for bonfire night, instead of enough to last from Halloween till November the fucking 10th.','Brian, Stevenage',
'RE-USABLE canvas shopping bags make an excellent receptacle to store all the bags you are left with after trips to the supermarket.','Milton Banana, e-mail',
'ROYAL princes. Develop a \'knee problem\' before entering military service, then you can quit a few weeks later \'devastated\' by the crushing blow life has dealt you.','Sgt Sergeant, e-mail',
'ROYALS. To save embarrassment caused by Prince Harry\'s constant indiscretions, why not simply admit that he is the son of major James Hewitt, and therefore nothing to do with you.','Alan Darwin, e-mail',
'RURAL affairs ministers. Avoid wasting eggs in public by driving to public functions in a large frying pan.','Harry the Lung, e-mail',
'RYAN Air passengers. These days they let ALL passengers off the planes, thus eliminating the need to all clamber to the front the second the aircraft lands.','Darren Singleton, e-mail',
'SAD blokes. When attempting to get into a barmaid\'s knickers, why not \'playfully\' pull back your tenner just as she reaches to take it when paying for a round. It really turns me on.','Rosie, Bristol',
'SADO-Masochists. Don\'t waste money on dominatrix prostitutes. Simply travel on a Virgin train at 5pm on a Friday. Discomfort, degradation, real danger and verbal abuse from specialists in uniform for a fraction of what you would spend in Marylebone.','Ishmael Skyes, London',
'SAINSBURY\'S directors. Attract more people into your stores by not getting Jamie Oliver to do your adverts, and using the money to make your beans and stuff a bit cheaper.','J. Geils, Wrexham',
'SALAD lovers. A clever way to store lettuce, cabbage and the like is to individually punch holes in the leaves and place them in a ringbinder in the fridge. File cos under \'C\', iceberg under \'I\' and so on. Simple!','A Stepney, Turniptop',
'SAUSAGE rolls sewn together side by side make an excellent emergency hat for judges.','Super Ape, e-mail',
'SAVE 20p when using the swimming pool changing rooms at Butlins, Skegness. Lockers 113, 655 and 670 can be locked fully by turning the key without having to deposit a coin beforehand.','C Frank, Billingham',
'SAVE 40p a week by just giving 60p to a big issue vendor instead of buying the magazine.','Guy Morris, e-mail',
'SAVE doing unnecessary ironing by putting on your shirt and tucking it into your trousers. Then, draw a line around the shirt at belt level with an indelible marker pen. The material below this line will never need ironing, thus saving time and effort.','JA Colo, e-mail',
'SAVE electricity by shortening the cables to all your household electric appliances.','Lt Moley Mole, e-mail',
'SAVE HOURS in every working day by hanging the clock upside down at 10.05am. That way, it\'s 4.35pm and only 25 minutes to home time.','Sod Robin, Leicester',
'SAVE money on electric toothbrushes by simply clamping a bottle brush into the chuck of a Black & Decker drill.','S. Grainger, Market Raisin',
'SAVE money on expensive air fresheners by sticking lavender un your arse. Then everytime you fart, a burst of soothing fragrance is released into your home.','M Hinge, e-mail',
'SAVE money on expensive CDs by simply cutting circles of cardboard from an empty cornflakes packet and covering them with foil.','Jamie McKenzie, West Drayton',
'SAVE money on expensive hole punches by goading a Great Dane into snapping at you while you slip the appropriate documents between its foaming canines. It may help to make a pencil mark halfway along the edge, and try to line this up with the cleft in the dog\'s top lip.','Mike Fitzgerald, Jersey',
'SAVE money on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, eg watch horror movies when there is a storm on, or cowboy films whilst local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street.','Andy Mansh, Cheltenham',
'SAVE money on expensive telephone sex lines. Simply send a text message of unadulterated filth to your own landline. Hey presto! The automatic BT text reader will then repeat back the grot of your own choice to your own front room in husky female tones.','Ian Cramphorn, Trousers',
'SAVE money on milk by not reporting your neighbour\'s death. You can even leave a note for their milkman to bring more expensive items like chicken or spuds.','Mike Haskins, Bristol',
'SAVE money on Red Nose Day by simply using half the wax covering from a tasty Babybel cheese. Save your friends money too by giving them the other half.','J Routlidge, e-mail',
'SAVE money on tattoos by having a small one done over a muscle, then going to the gym until the muscle gets bigger. Hey presto, a big tattoo for the price of a small one.','Ian Mainy, Bedford',
'SAVE money on toilet paper by wiping your arse on a flannel. This can be re-used once your wife or girlfriend has washed it.','Barry D e-mail',
'SAVE money on water rates by only ever eating bananas, the food you can eat without washing your hands after a piss or a dump.','Arnold Verrall, Essex',
'SAVE money on your water bill. Every time you flush the toilet, piss into the cistern. It all goes down the same way and you\'ll save approximately  £1.56 over a lifetime.','Albert Shortfish, West Midlands',
'SAVE pounds on shoes by simply increasing the length of your stride by a few inches.','Miss L. Parish, Armley',
'SAVE time by only ever watching one Bruce Willis movie.','Zed, e-mail',
'SCRABBLE PLAYERS. If you have a Q and a U, try to use the Q for words like \'Qi\' or \'Qat\'. This will free up the U for words like \'Bum\', \'Mum\' etc.','Stu, e-mail',
'SCULPTORS. When designing a new statue for your city centre, why not add a stone traffic cone to its head to discourage pissed students from risking death at 3.00 am.','Garry Smith, East Kilbride',
'SECOND rate Scottish female celebrities. When flying from London to Glasgow on a Friday night, always board last and make an awful fuss about the lockers being full, thus ensuring everyone seated will know who you are. Better still, stop fucking around with pots of paint in other people\'s houses and get a proper job.','Barry Turnbull, e-mail',
'SERIAL killers. Make ammends to the families of your murder victims by sending them a jar of Quality Street.','Craig Sullivan, Leeds',
'SEX offenders with a taste for elderly ladies. Lure your victims into your car with the promise of medicine and slippers.','D. Smith, e-mail',
'SHOE bombers. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.','Mark Johnson, e-mail',
'SHOE Express customers. Throw your purchases away and wear the boxes instead. They\'ll be harder-wearing, more stylish and better fitting.','Steph Jackson, Newcastle',
'SHOE manufacturers. Stop your shoes giving people blisters by making them out of plasters.','S Pigeon, e-mail',
'SHOE shop staff. If I ask for a size 9, and all you have left are a size 7 or 12, then for future reference, I would rather not \'give them a try.\' Call it intuition or whatever, I just don\'t think they\'d fit.','Dan B, e-mail',
'SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day. ','Clare Hobley (34E), Manchester',
'SHOPPERS. Confuse staff at Argos by stealing all the biros and replacing them with IKEA pencils.','R. Trotter, Peckham',
'SHOPPERS. If what you wish to purchase is not in stock, inform the assistant that you\'ve come all the way from Stanely on the No.2 bus. They will take pity on you and have your item materialize out of thin fucking air.','Johnny, e-mail',
'SHOPPERS. When buying grapes, take one grape to the till. When it is weighed it won\'t register on the low-tech unsensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure a hundred times or so, and hey, presto! You have yourself a free bunch of grapes.','A Bomb & Wan Kin Gai, Hiroshima',
'SHOPPERS. When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.','Jason Orange, Manchester',
'SHOPPERS. When you have finished and are leaving the supermarket, kindly offer your shopping list to people who are going in, as they may have forgotten to make one.','Kennon Baird, California',
'SINGLE men. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occassionally glancing inside.','Tubbs, e-mail',
'SINGLE men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman\'s Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.','Graham Marsh, e-mail',
'SINGLE people. Pretend you\'re having sex by parking your car in a secluded country lane and steam up your windows using a \'travel kettle\' plugged into the cigarette lighter.','Alastair Green, e-mail',
'SIT on your cock till it goes numb. Hey presto! It\'s just like wanking off somebody else.','Matt, e-mail',
'SKATEBOARDERS. Next time you come to a set of steps with a handrail in the middle, pick up your skateboard in one hand, grasp the handrail with the other and carefully walk down the steps. This way it won\'t be quite as painful on your bollocks.','Steve, e-mail',
'SKATEBOARDERS. Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.','Lee Christopher, e-mail',
'SKATEBOARDERS. When buying trousers, choose a pair which stop around about your ankles as opposed to some point about 10 inches further on.','Ben Keen, Whitley Bay',
'SLICING a Battenburg cake lengthways, both vertically and horizontally, makes four handy, long mini sponge cakes (one pair yellow, the other pink). ','RO Williams, e-mail',
'SLOVENLY householders. Always keep a few \'Get Well Soon\' cards on the mantlepiece. When unexpected visitors arrive you can tell them that you have not been well and that\'s why the house is untidy.','Maz, e-mail ',
'SMALL dog owners. Too lazy to take the little fellow out for a walk? Simply place him on a record player turntable and tie his lead to the arm. Set it away at 33rpm for a gentle stroll, 45 rpm for a good walk and 78 rpm for a jog.','John Stormont, e-mail',
'SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats\' legs make for a futuristic \'space cat\'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet\'s tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls.','Dominic Rickard, e-mail',
'SMOKERS. \'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life\', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have \'lost\', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.','James Powell-Brett, e-mail',
'SMOKERS. Buy inflatable furniture. If you fall asleep whilst smoking, your ciggie will burn a hole in it and the escaping air will put it out.','Kerry Palmer, Harlow',
'SMOKERS. Enjpy seemingly longer holidays by stopping smoking on your first day off, making every day thereafter appear to be 72 hours long.','Steve Irving, Burbage',
'SMOKERS. If using chewing gum as part of your effort to kick the habit, check that the packet does not say \'Contains a source of phenyalanine. Excessive consumption may produce laxative effects\' before chewing your way through three packets in one day.','Mr Shittypants, Edinburgh',
'SMOKERS. Take a tip from tumble dryer users. Enjoy a crafty fag at your desk by attaching a flexible vent hose to your face and running it out of the office window.','Aston Martini, London',
'SOLDIERS. Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.','Phil, e-mail',
'SOLVE \'Spot the Difference\' puzzles by relaxing your eyes until you see four pictures. Then move the pictures backwards or forwards until the two middle ones overlap and then mark off the 10 locations where something appears not to be quite right.','Andrew Tait, Newcastle',
'SPECTACLE wearers. Pre-pare for any forthcoming conflict by putting crosses of masking tape across the lenses of your glasses.','Clint, Eastwood',
'SPECTACLE wearers. Rid yourself of cumbersome spectacles by getting a pair of contact lenses. To stop them falling out from time to time, take a length of brass wire, create a figure-8 shape and loop it around the outer rim of each contact lens. For added security, leave an extra length of wire protruding each side that can be used to hold the frame in place by hooking it round your ears.','Stewart, Cowley',
'SPECTACLE wearers. Whilst having your morning shit, take a piece of toilet paper, clean your glasses, and then wipe your arse. Hey presto, two uses for the one sheet of paper. NB. It must be done in that order.','Ian Thewlis, Leeds',
'SPERM makes ideal 00-gauge tadpoles for model railway ponds.','D. Grear, e-mail',
'SPOOK owners of cars with tinted windows. Upon seeing one driving past, wink conspiratorially and touch your nose.','Ed Wullbeck, e-mail',
'SPOONERISE Rolf Harris\'s name. Hey Presto! You\'re saying it in a dog\'s voice.','Mr C, e-mail',
'STATELY home owners. Sprinkle pepper into the helmets of suits of armour so as any intruders who hide in them when being chased will give themselves away by sneezing just after you walk past.','S. Doo, e-mail',
'STRESSED out office bosses. Cover your knackers with tin foil and hit the side of one of them with a hammer. Hey presto! A cheap yet effective \'Newton\'s Cradle\' type executive toy.','A. Beech, Newcastle',
'STUDENTS. When asked to write a 3000 word essay, simply draw 3 pictures, as they are worth 1000 words each.','Peter E, e-mail',
'SUBMARINE designers. Why not put any water pipes on the outside of the sub? That way, if they burst, there is no harm done.','Jim Hogan, e-mail',
'SUCCESSFUL businessmen. Fool neighbours into thinking you are unemployed by getting up everyday at 4 in the afternoon, putting on a tracksuit smeared with chocola,te stains and sitting in the park drinking Kestrel Super. ','Nick Smith Leeds',
'SUDOKU lovers. Solve your puzzles in seconds by logging on to http://sudoku.sourceforge.net/, typing the clues into the grid and clicking the \'solve\' button. This will save hours, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile.','T Wensleydale, Cheshire',
'SUPERMARKETS. Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.','Serena Keough, e-mail',
'SUPERMARKETS. Save money on printing by labelling your \'Economy\' goods \'Shit\' instead.','Cat & Trev, Newcastle',
'SUPERMARKETS. Sell your undersized vegetables for twice the price by not cleaning the shit off them and calling them \'organic\'.','B. Cormack, Castle Douglas',
'SURPRISE your wife by tidying her underwear drawer when she\'s out. Try on stockings to check for ladders, and try on bras and suspenders to check for broken clasps. Keep defective lingerie hidden in the shed as it can be used to clean up paint or tie garden canes, etc.','R. Leigh, Rayleigh',
'SWAP your wife\'s factor 35 sunblock for Brylcreem on the first day of your foreign holiday. Then when she\'s confined to the hotel bed with sunstroke, nip out and shag loads of birds from Manchester.','P. Jacobs, Walthamstow',
'SWISS people. Claim neutrality during the next world war so as you can hoard Nazi loot and pilfer Jewish gold.','Barney Waygood, Edinburgh',
'TAME budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit hapilly on your hand for hours.','Debbie Forster, e-mail',
'TAX PAYERS. Beat the taxman by only ever doing a job for three months, then resigning and signing on for the next three months. That way, you get back the tax you paid while you were working.','H.R., e-mail',
'TAXI drivers. Remove the bulbs from your indicators in case you momentarilly forget what you do for a living and inadvertantly signal.','Aiden, e-mail',
'TEACHERS. Avoid fancying 15-year-old girls in your charge by picturing them engaged in much younger activities, such as sucking large lollipops or frolicking naked in a paddling pool.','Bellester Smith, e-mail',
'TEENAGE boys. For accurate cock measurements, a button attached to a paper-clip makes an ideal miniature trundle wheel.','Tim Buck, Leamington Spa',
'TEENAGE boys. Stop being mistaken for girls by not having such long hair. Eee! I don\'t know.','Ethel Levitt, London',
'TEENAGERS. Make sure your dad doesn\'t find out you\'ve been watching his porn films by not whistling the theme tune to Emmanuelle at the dinner table.','Richard Bowen, e-mail',
'THAT LITTLE bald-headed bloke off the Benny Hill show. Next time Benny Hill slaps you rapidly on the head, hit the fat fucker back. Bullies don\'t pick on people who stand up to them','Fat Al White, Wrenthorpe',
'THE NIGHT after eating a real ring-stinger of a curry, put a dozen or so ice cubes down the bog. The splashback caused when you have a shit will cool and soothe your burning ringpiece.','Dan, Cambridge',
'THEATRE NURSES. If the surgeon you work with is called Simon, brighten up mundane procedures by refusing to pass any equipment to him until he uses the prefix “Simon Says”. Remember even when he shouts “Give me the ligature, this child is DYING?!” he\'s probably just trying to get you out.','Ben Margerison, e-mail',
'THINKING of waterfalls and fountains is well known to help one urinate. Similarly, thinking of landslides and lorries unloading soil can help even the most constipated person clear their bowels.','Roger Green, e-mail',
'THRIFTY shoppers. Save cash when buying apples in the supermarket by removing the stalks to reduce the weight. You\'ll be smiling all the way to the checkout on your 176th visit as you effectively claim your free apple.','Will Mayes, e-mail',
'TIGHT arsed blokes. At this time of year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won\'t have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.','David Bushell, e-mail',
'TIME TEAM producers. Get more done in the 3 day time limit by getting Baldrick and that lazy fucker with the wispy white hair and stripey jumper to do some fucking work.','Matty, e-mail',
'TIRED of being nagged to walk the dog? Pretend you\'ve already taken it out by unrolling a turkey rasher out the side of its mouth whilst it lies by the fire to give it that shagged out look.','D. Pickering, Whitehaven',
'T-MOBILE customers. Call your phone network and tell them you are moving to another company and ask for your PAC number. They may offer you  £30 worth of calls to stay with them (as they did in my case) When this is used up, simply try the same thing again.','Anon, e-mail',
'To MAKE a pot of supermarket coleslaw go further, simply grate a carrot, some cabbage and an onion into the tub, then add some mayonnaise.','SA, Derby',
'TOASTERS make ideal sunbeds for hands.','Rubber Ritchie, Stoke Newington',
'TOBACCO manufacturers. Be more positive in your packaging by pointing out that your customers may be able to star in their own TV commercial.','Tracy Chitty, Hastings',
'TOP GEAR presenter\'s sidekicks. Why not spend the show taking turns to suck Jeremy Clarkson\'s dick and lick his arsehole. It would save you having to learn your lines every week, but it wouldn\'t change the basic concept of your job description.','Mark Smith, e-mail',
'TOURETTES sufferers with an interest in Victoriana. Simply replace shouting \'fuck\', \'cunt\' and \'wanker\' with \'poppycock\', \'fiddlesticks\' and \'balderdash\' to recreate an authentic Victorian experience.','S Nonsense, e-mail',
'TOWN Councils. Reduce litter problems by issuing blind people with pointy sticks.','Rich, Ilford',
'TOWN planners. Confuse commuters and pensioners by calling new developments \'Sorry this bus is not in service\'.','Martin Rafferty, Nottingham',
'TRAINLINE telephone employees. Retain an air of mystery by never giving accurate information.','Kelly Durkin, e-mail',
'TRAINSPOTTERS. Type the name of the train you wish to spot into an internet search engine to bring up a picture of it. You can use the time you save to get on with your life.','Senor Beeftrotter, e-mail',
'TRAMPS. Avoid being constantly moved on by sleeping outside department stores and telling the police you are simply queuing early for the sales.','J King, Prison',
'TRAMPS. Watch Ray Mears\' World of Survival in Dixon\'s window to open your eyes to a whole host of natural foodstuffs.','Daniel Green, e-mail',
'TRANSSEXUALS. Make yourself feel more like a woman by driving a car badly whilst talking bollocks.','Grant B Warner, New Malden',
'TREASURERS from social clubs. Rather than take the flack for bad book-keeping, accuse the bar-steward of theft.','Grant Warner, New Malden',
'TRICK spiders into thinking they have caught a fly by flicking cigarette ash into cobwebs.','Andy Woolfoot, Cirencester',
'TV BOSSES. Improve the quality of live TV news by giving \'roving reporters\' the sack on air if they say \'erm…\' more than three times in a single report.','Mark Glover, Coventry',
'TV NEWS reporters. Intersperse your interviews with footage of yourself nodding like a twat. This will help viewers appreciate that what\'s being said is important and correct.','A Quinn, London',
'TWINS. Always make your twin try on a new outfit before you buy it so you can see exactly how you will look in it. (This does not work if your twin is of the opposite sex. Unless you are a drag queen. Or the opposite of a drag queen).','Matt Jones, Cambridge',
'TWO sprays of Febreeze makes going down on your missus a much more pleasant experience.','M. Johnson, Leigh on Sea',
'UGLY birds. Become better looking by simply moving North. ','Andy Inman, Inverness',
'UNDERTAKERS. Put a flashing yellow light on the top hat of the man walking in front of the hearse to warn other road users of the slow procession of cars.','Campbell Moore, e-mail',
'US GOVERNMENT. Repay the millions of pounds, all the lives of British soldiers and the embarrassment of ever-yone supporting the US invasion of Iraq by increasing the cost of paperwork needed for UK citizens to visit your country for 6 months to $600, then make them wait half a day at immigration and treat them like shit. Underline the irony of the situation by repeatedly banging on about how the USA has no truer friend than Great Britain.','Diccon Cooper, e-mail',
'US TROOPS. Catch members of the Taliban by setting large moustraps in the Tora Bora hills and baiting them with a little girl learning to read.','T Wentworth, Rhyll',
'USERS of premium rate sex lines. Save hundreds of pounds by phoning the Samaritans and threatening to kill yourself unless they talk to you in a sexually explicit manner.','Rabbi Tableknife, Middlesbrough',
'UTILITY companies. Encourage customers to go to \'paperless billing\' and online account management to help the environment. It has the added benefit of rendering them helpless when you overcharge them as they have no bills to check through and your computer can \'mysteriously freeze their on-line account.\' It makes it almost impossible for them to prove you are a bunch of robbing bastards.','Jay, e-mail',
'VACUUM cleaner manufacturers. Put a smiley face on your machines. It really makes us laugh at six o\'clock in the morning when the lead gets tangled around chair legs and keeps overbalancing.','Spenshine Cleaning Contractors, New Malden',
'VAT Inspectors. When carrying out spot checks on small businesses, refuse all offers of tea or coffee. It is not impossible that the proprietor may have wiped his cheesy knob all around the rim of the mug. I know I always do.','P. Roberts, Holyhead',
'VETS. A human armpit hair makes a great prosthetic leg for an invalid spider.','Hedgepig, Crewe',
'VINYL enthusiasts. Re-create that old fashioned stuck needle sound when listening to an mp3 on your computer by occasionally pressing CTRL+ALT+DEL mid song.','Mike Harbidge, e-mail',
'VISITORS to the Argyll Wildlife Park near Inveraray. Avoid paying the entrance fee by simply walking down the lane at the rear of the establishment. Here, 4 of the 6 animals can clearly be seen.','Richard Anke, e-mail',
'VOYEURS. Sit on your cock and your hand until they are both numb. Hey presto, it looks and feels like someone else wanking someone else off.','Al F, E-mail',
'VULCANOLOGISTS. If you are ever caught in a volcanic eruption, remember to jump up and down so that your feet are not constantly in the molten lava flow.','Ken Turel, Glasgow',
'WAIT till your neighbours get into their car, then fool them into thinking the handbrake doesn\'t work by pulling their house backwards.','Jimmy Docherty, e-mail',
'WANKERS. Attatch a pedometer to your wrist and measure the calories you burn. Then you can proudly tell your wife how much exercise you have done.','Andrew Tatham, e-mail',
'WANKERS. Save yourself a great deal of embarrassment by checking that none of your housemates have come home from work sick and are sleeping in their rooms before you put a porn vid on in the living room with the volume on high.','Lachlan Barker, e-mail',
'WANT to feel famous? Simply pop down to your local bistro and sit underneath the specials board. People will be continually looking in your direction and making comments.','R. Harron, Brixton',
'WEATHER presenters. When presenting the forecast, feel free to use both temperature scales for dramatic effect. Use Celsius for cold temperatures (-5°C sounds much colder than 23°F) and Fahrenheit for high temperatures (90°F has much more impact than 32°C)','Chris Stallard, e-mail',
'WEIGHT watchers. After reaching your ideal weight, maintain it by weighing yourself before and after a dump. The weight difference is the amount of food you can eat before having another dump.','Nick Brook, e-mail',
'WHEN asked if you have any questions at a job interview, increase your chances of getting the job by asking the interviewer, or the whole panel in turn where they get their hair cut.','James James, e-mail',
'WHEN cooking spaghetti, tie all the ends together. That way you can eat it in one long suck, eliminating the drudgery of washing up knives and forks.','Johnny Schott, Hackney',
'WHEN having a pizza delivered, call the shop back after it has arrived and tell them that it\'s the wrong one. Minutes later, another pizza will be delivered. They will not ask for the old pizza back because it is their policy as they don\'t know what you have done to it. Hey presto! Two pizzas for the price of one.','Paul Gillespie, e-mail',
'WHEN mailing faeces to Her Majesty the Queen (or other famous personalities, such as Gareth Gates), avoid getting poo on your tongue by using self-sealing envelopes.','Tim Kovacs, Ottawa, Canada',
'WHEN replying to Nigerian lawyers that offer millions in return for a  £50.000 finders fee, only send half the money. Keep the rest until you get the paperwork.','Dr Maldwin Palmer, e-mail',
'WHEN very drunk and taking a shit, never under any circumstances stop to blow your nose when wiping your arse.','Marc Johnson, Leigh-on-sea',
'WHEN visiting a Moto service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment.','Russell Dundee, e-mail',
'WHINGEING southern puffs. Avoid your annual moaning about water shortages and hosepipe bans by filling all your buckets when you get flooded in the winter.','Peckham, e-mail',
'WHITE wine splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly. Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing salad onto the affected area.','Rick Stein, Padstow',
'WIFE beaters. When hitting your wife, get hold of a crocodile, a string of sausages and a policeman to recreate some of that seaside magic for the kids.','Michael Edwards, Stockton on Tees',
'WIFE of Jacko out of \'Brush Strokes\'. Burst into the bathroom next time you think your husband is cleaning. You will probably catch him boasting to a hidden camera about how he has pulled the wool over your eyes and is off on a golfing holiday with his mates. Then you can divorce him and marry a less nondescript actor, like Eric out of \'Lovejoy\'.','Ben Brundell, Halifax',
'WIG wearers. Don\'t waste money on new wigs. Simply turn your old ones round for the \'boy band\' look.','Danny the Dog, e-mail',
'WINDOW CLEANERS. When agreeing a price with Dr Who to clean the windows of the Tardis, don\'t be conned into agreeing to do the insides for the same price.','Grant B Warner, New Malden',
'WIVES. If your husband is pestering you for a hand job and you can\'t be bothered, simply sit on your hand for ten minutes until it goes dead, and it will feel like someone else is doing it.','F. Muir, London',
'WOMEN travel writers. Get paid a fortune to travel somewhere wonderful and exotic and then submit the usual article about about how useful a sarong is.','Dave Stuttard, e-mail',
'WOMEN. Don\'t waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn\'t give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you\'ve been banged.','Lee Cawood, Hull',
'WOMEN. Why take two bottles into the shower when you can take about a dozen, cluttering up the shelf so there is no room for the single bottle of all over shampoo that we seem to be able to manage perfectly well with? For fuck\'s sake.','Iain Purdie, Bradford',
'WORM farmers. Double your yield by simply cutting every worm in half. Hey presto! Each half will grow into a new worm.','Laurie, France',
'WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.','Nick Pettigrew, London',
'WOULD-BE criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.','R Simple, e-mail',
'YOUNG mothers. Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.','Jamie McKenzie, West Drayton',
'YOUNG mothers. Pretend to be unbelievably dull and unimaginative by meeting other young mothers in public places and only ever talking about your children.','Phil Telfer, e-mail'
]