I WAS DELIGHTED when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was 'outstanding', particularly since I can't even remember sending it in.
ANYONE down on their luck and feeling depressed should take a trip to their local specialist comic shop. The sight of the assorted pond life gathered there, aged 12 to 40, discussing the upcoming Spiderman convention and cracking jokes in Klingon will put your own sad and sorry life in much brighter perspective. It works better than Prozac for me.
WHAT A rip-off these so called Scottish Widows are. The one they advertise on telly is a real gorgeous, classy tart, but when I fixed myself up with one from the 'Encounters' section of the Glasgow Herald, she turned out to be a right old boiler living in a council flat in Motherwell.